Sunday, 22 February 2009

I wore many masks that I forgot which one's my real face(27)


two years later(2008)

My London's apartment was undeniably small, but a delightful haven. I had been lucky to find it; it was on 7 George Street, five minutes away from Selfridges and Bond Street, A very desirable location. The apartment was on the second floor and consisted on a large room, a small bathroom and smaller kitchen behind it and then comes the cozy bedroom. Everyone thought that I moved here about two years ago to get my masters degree, but it wasn’t like that. I needed to be away from Kuwait because everything reminded me of him. even Farah which was no longer my best friend. At first we messaged and talked on msn sometimes but it stopped a few months ago. She was sick of trying and I was sick of pretending.

You're probably wondering what happened after I left Terki in that hospital. Well, after I left that hospital I went home right away. Surprisingly, I didn’t shed a single tear, not ONE tear. I was emotionally numb; I didn’t feel anything to the point that I wished my heart would ache so I could feel human again.

As soon as I reached home I sat on the corner sofa in the living room before my mother. She frowned when she saw my face. "jana? Eshfeech?" she said.

" maby atzawaj Terki, I left him" I told her and walked to my room.

When I entered my room, my wedding dress was hanging out on the closet's door. I brought a mini scissor from my manicure kit and stared at the dress for a while. "im sorry" I ran my fingers over it gently and then I began cutting it off like crazy.

After ten minutes when I saw my six thousand kd wedding dress turned into tiny pieces of fabrics, I sobbed like a baby.

At night my phone beeped. * Sometimes I have to be cruel for the right and wrong reasons. It's a burden only I will live with* Terki.

I saw my mother crying twice that year, and I knew that she knew that I wasn’t the one who ended it with him. She saw me as a divorced woman and it killed her. I didn’t know what hurt more the fact that I was practically divorced or that my mother was grieving.

I don’t remember my life back then, it was blurry. I remember a few things though; being pathetic, ignoring the outside world, living on the sofa and most importantly, I remember getting gray hairs.

One day I opened my eyes. I had one of those moments of waking dislocation. Where was I? I wondered. It wasn’t my bedroom's ceiling. Then I turned my head and saw the big plasma TV of the small living room. I must've slept while I was watching that series, I thought. Suddenly without even thinking of it I got up with the blanket wrapped around me, and walked to my mother's room.

" mama, bakkamel derasty"

"9ij?" her face lit up " ofcourse! Wain tabeen? Bil ba7rain? Nafs farah?"

" no mama, I thought London actually, and since when Farah betkamil bil ba7rain?!"

" 5altich muneera galatly, tgool she'll quit her job at dewan el mu7asaba o betkamil derasat'ha"

"oh" I really missed my sister Farah, who thought we would lost our friendship at the age of twenty three.

After two months I was ready to leave. Everyone came to say goodbye to me, Farah's included.

" deeray balich 3la ro7ech o lateg6e3en please" she said.

"You too" I hugged her.

When we pulled away we had tears in our eyes but we pretended that we didn’t cry. I was going to miss her terribly but I needed this so much. I needed to be away from it all.


---------------------------------------------------------------------

london

When I first moved to London, I felt totally miserable, I hated my apartment, I hated my college and I hated loneliness. I was alone, I didn’t have any friends and I needed to erase everything about him from my life.

When I walked into Selfridges for the first time and smelled APREGE LANVIN; his scent in the air, I collapsed. It was very embarrassing but I couldn’t help it, I sat on a chair at fendi's store and wept. Everyone was looking at me. And then someone came and touched my shoulder "lo sema7tay? Entay kuwaitia?" a soft female's voice said.

I looked up and saw her familiar face. Her beautiful face was tanner that before, her short blonde hair was longer. She was simply beautiful. " jana? 9a7?!" she said.

" yes deema" I sniffed. " hi"

"are you okay?!" she looked concerned.

" not really" I smiled weakly.

Then she helped me to stand up and took me to one of the Caf├ęs upstairs . " I've heard about your um..breakup with Terki , im really sorry " she said.

" you don’t have to be sorry, it was along time ago" I cleaned my nose.

" he's always like that" she said.

" can we please not um talk about him?!"

"sure, sure im sorry" she said and she looked like she meant it.

we talked alot, and I have to admit I really had fun with her. she lived here and she gave me her number and said that I could call her anytime. but I never did.

------------------------------------------------------

25th of july-2007 was the first time I let him in my life again. It was my twenty-four birthday. I was watching TV on bed, when I heard my doorbell's ringing. I was wearing a tiny agent provocateur night dress, my bones were sticking out beautifully; I had lost tones of weight. I got up from bed, smoothed my fringe with my fingers and my new black hair and opened the door.

39 comments:

sugar said...

turki??????? he's back 9aaaaaaaaaa7?! maygdar e3eesh bedonha!!!

moi said...

sugar: u'll see in the next post=)

Anonymous said...

umm next post. NOW PLZ!!:|

Anonymous said...

plz bser3a aby a3aref !! @@ !! mta elnext post !?!

moi said...

anony: enshalah soon hun;** im falling asleep;\

anony: soooon enshallah;**

S said...

awwh..
bas i still dont like him..
7asafa 3ala jana o fara7 walla..
;* nom el 3awafy

jana said...

okay so first of all i love that photo you posted with this blog jad it means alot ye3ni the faces and the way you have to pretend! jad i love it! ou second and most important you're an amazing writer you have a great way in grabbing someones attentioni love love love it! pls continue ou ibsir3a :*

Charmbracelet said...

Ahh! I wanna know!!!
-N~

Diet Coke said...

7asayt ina the last post wasnt the ending!!!!
Kamlay plz lets them get married;p

Diet Coke said...

Let***

BOnita_LuLu said...

i really really really hope its NOT SAUD :/....ENSHallah Terki Plz Be terki I'm WIshing Really Hard ina its terki :(...

BOnita_LuLu said...

Or cud it Be FAHAD walaaain Maby maby Enshallah TERKI...Terki terkii terkiii Plzz wen u can next post a7is i cant focus on my work till i know hehehe ya3nee if my boss says anythin i'm gonna blame MOI lena ma galat mino at the door loooool :Pp jk ...bas seriously Cant Waiit for next post Luv ya ...

3anooda said...

la may9eer chee - 7ayawan. it cant be Terky - abeeh ykooon the first one - the real one

Silhouette Crime said...

Terki? Mabaaaaaah ! Post a.s.a.p. !!

moi said...

s: i dont like him either;\, ee wallah 7asafa,thanx 7ayati;**

jana: aww thanx hun wallah im flattered:$!! welcome to my blog;***

charmbracelet: soon:)

diet coke: hmm enshalalh:P

bonita lulu: loool im so sorryyy;** i'll post it soon enshalah

3anooda: whose the real one?;P

silhoette crime: ENSHALLAAH;*

±What±Im±about± said...

mmmmmm !!!! why stop here !!!!! kamlaaaaaaaaaiii ! ;p walla moi its not about the story kether ma its about u ! u write beautifually ! I LOVE ;**

wink! said...

yala please more more more!!!!!

Finicky:* said...

yala 3aad please post today la6aawleen just this post please!!:)

Zaina said...

please moiii post soooooon! magdar an6iiiiiir minsijiiii
i'm too addicted!

Pearla said...

yeee terki is back ?!!
i swear if it was him my reaction would be like ( why are you here and i'd slap him ) ino inta m3 nafsak !!! LOL

Anonymous said...

im a silent reader but i had to comment 2day.
GOD!!!
im crying now. 7aram i knw the feeling of losing a frnd.
Plzz let it be tirkiiii. plzz. 7aram shafat wayed balawi ib her life. 5al trta7 shwaya.
moi, i love u :P
u write ib shakl 3ajeeb mashalah.
oo i hope u did well ib ba7rain too ;**

Starlight<3 said...

I'm glad she moved out of Kuwait, new surroundings always help but sometimes I can't help but wonder that how come when women get upset they run away and men just move on =/ It's one of those things I've yet to understand :P
Let her meet a hot chuck bass look-alike! :Pp
Post soon,
xx

Anonymous said...

im sensing there's a happy ending for this story!

7ade mestansa :D


Ps: bs ana anony :@ baje el anonymous can be called anon. :P lool

engineera said...

abaaii halpost fa'9eeee3 , i love it i love it i love itt

actully i moved to tears lama jana hugged faraah gbl la tsaferr ! ;s

engineera said...

can't waiit to see whatt next

yala yalaa plzz;$$

Jacqui said...

I'm loving these posts, they seem so real, because we all go through such heartache but never admit it or talk much about it.. it's always bottled up inside.

moi said...

what im about:aww thank youuu;***, esta7ait:P,i love uu;*

wink: enshallahh, soon;*

finicky: enshallah but im not sleeping at home tonite:( soryy;**

zaina: aww i'll try to post SOONER;*

pearla: loool, i would do the same:P

anon: im soryyyy latabcheeeen;**, i love u toooo;** , really?:$ thanxx

starlight: loool ee 9a7 men r bitches:@!

anonY:p: 7ather 3amety :P bas entay anony!

engineera: ee it was sad:(, i love u;*

jacqui: yeah;\! bas when u talk about it to a friend elwath3 yetraga3;p

Anonymous said...

Awww! ur story is one of my fav. i swear! everyday I MUST check it out lol ;p! i looooove it .. o ur writing WOW! ur amazing girll ! keep it on! o lol i;ve read il comments madri shfeena maybe kil ilanon. ektibaw 2day cuz its a gr8 post honey;* NXT POST ASAAAP !!;p

Candy said...

la turkey come back,kafee ta3theeb bel bent
<_<

[MaDry-Shakw~] said...

'6aaaarooori TNAZLEN ANOTHER POST ! ASAP !!! :P

Limited said...

I NEED TO KNOW WHO IT IS! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS!!

moi said...

anon: thanxxxx ur an amazing anon;***, a7ibkom;**

candy: madry;\, ee wallah!

madry shakw: enshallah;*

limited: enshallaaaaah;*

Anonymous said...

ambay its bad ina u guys broke yup ur frndship after all these years ... walla i hope ina ur back together mithil gabl o0o a7san ba3ad ... walla ma y9eer chithy
o0o ambay mino ?? terki ?? s3ood?? 3bdullla ?? ... ambay mino ??
inshalla terkii inshalla la2ana 9ij they love each other walla yistahlooon ;)
please post sooon ... we wanna know ;)

Lulwa said...

yallah plz

we're waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiting :(

libero anima said...

dude u know when u want to cry but don't and then u feel this lump in ur throat .. well that's what i'm feeling now .. ur story is very very very touching .. my heart ached with u .. although i know not as much .. *sniff*

moi said...

anon: i'll post in mins, thanx hun;*

lulwa: now enshalah:)

libero anima: im so sorry;**

Candy said...

yallah moi,
waiting ur next part @@!

Silver said...

NEXT NEXT NEXT!!!!!!!!!1

love ;** said...

tawny astw3b ina I didnt comment :(

I cant believe he is back, she agreed to see him...laaaish ;((