You're probably wondering what happened after I left Terki in that hospital. Well, after I left that hospital I went home right away. Surprisingly, I didn’t shed a single tear, not ONE tear. I was emotionally numb; I didn’t feel anything to the point that I wished my heart would ache so I could feel human again.
As soon as I reached home I sat on the corner sofa in the living room before my mother. She frowned when she saw my face. "jana? Eshfeech?" she said.
" maby atzawaj Terki, I left him" I told her and walked to my room.
When I entered my room, my wedding dress was hanging out on the closet's door. I brought a mini scissor from my manicure kit and stared at the dress for a while. "im sorry" I ran my fingers over it gently and then I began cutting it off like crazy.
After ten minutes when I saw my six thousand kd wedding dress turned into tiny pieces of fabrics, I sobbed like a baby.
At night my phone beeped. * Sometimes I have to be cruel for the right and wrong reasons. It's a burden only I will live with* Terki.
I saw my mother crying twice that year, and I knew that she knew that I wasn’t the one who ended it with him. She saw me as a divorced woman and it killed her. I didn’t know what hurt more the fact that I was practically divorced or that my mother was grieving.
I don’t remember my life back then, it was blurry. I remember a few things though; being pathetic, ignoring the outside world, living on the sofa and most importantly, I remember getting gray hairs.
One day I opened my eyes. I had one of those moments of waking dislocation. Where was I? I wondered. It wasn’t my bedroom's ceiling. Then I turned my head and saw the big plasma TV of the small living room. I must've slept while I was watching that series, I thought. Suddenly without even thinking of it I got up with the blanket wrapped around me, and walked to my mother's room.
" mama, bakkamel derasty"
"9ij?" her face lit up " ofcourse! Wain tabeen? Bil ba7rain? Nafs farah?"
" no mama, I thought London actually, and since when Farah betkamil bil ba7rain?!"
" 5altich muneera galatly, tgool she'll quit her job at dewan el mu7asaba o betkamil derasat'ha"
"oh" I really missed my sister Farah, who thought we would lost our friendship at the age of twenty three.
After two months I was ready to leave. Everyone came to say goodbye to me, Farah's included.
" deeray balich 3la ro7ech o lateg6e3en please" she said.
"You too" I hugged her.
When we pulled away we had tears in our eyes but we pretended that we didn’t cry. I was going to miss her terribly but I needed this so much. I needed to be away from it all.
When I first moved to London, I felt totally miserable, I hated my apartment, I hated my college and I hated loneliness. I was alone, I didn’t have any friends and I needed to erase everything about him from my life.
When I walked into Selfridges for the first time and smelled APREGE LANVIN; his scent in the air, I collapsed. It was very embarrassing but I couldn’t help it, I sat on a chair at fendi's store and wept. Everyone was looking at me. And then someone came and touched my shoulder "lo sema7tay? Entay kuwaitia?" a soft female's voice said.
I looked up and saw her familiar face. Her beautiful face was tanner that before, her short blonde hair was longer. She was simply beautiful. " jana? 9a7?!" she said.
" yes deema" I sniffed. " hi"
"are you okay?!" she looked concerned.
" not really" I smiled weakly.
Then she helped me to stand up and took me to one of the Cafés upstairs . " I've heard about your um..breakup with Terki , im really sorry " she said.
" he's always like that" she said.
" can we please not um talk about him?!"
"sure, sure im sorry" she said and she looked like she meant it.
we talked alot, and I have to admit I really had fun with her. she lived here and she gave me her number and said that I could call her anytime. but I never did.
25th of july-2007 was the first time I let him in my life again. It was my twenty-four birthday. I was watching TV on bed, when I heard my doorbell's ringing. I was wearing a tiny agent provocateur night dress, my bones were sticking out beautifully; I had lost tones of weight. I got up from bed, smoothed my fringe with my fingers and my new black hair and opened the door.