Wednesday, 25 February 2009

I changed my style but my roots were showing(28) FINALE

I am sitting in the most beautiful place you can think of. Literally, the most beautiful. I can see the bright moon's reflection on the sea that is right in front of me, yet I'm nowhere near it. The ac is on since the weather is really dusty outside and The leather sofa's rubbing against my skin is sending chills through my entire body. But I don’t mind because marveling at the lavender beauty on my engagement finger every five minutes alone can warm me up all over. I stretch; I've been writing this post all day long (on this particular sofa!) And suck on my vanilla lip gloss for the hundredth time since my diet prevents me from snacking before dinner and being a food lover, I'm dying of hunger!

Zain aka HH my husband (yes husband no longer fiancé but I don’t live with him.YET) joins me on the sofa, I close the laptop immediately when he pulls me against his chest. "mu bard 3alaich?" he says.

" hmm la 3ady, im enjoying it"

" matabeen peanut butter?" he offers me the jar of peanut butter in his hand.

I frown " la esta'3fer allah"

He chuckles. " kaifich 7adda latheth"

" bel3afia" I say while I wipe the corner of his mouth with my fingertip. I stare at his face for a while and take in his features. His big black eyes, his dark skin and his beautiful lips with that sexy mole on his chin. I smile when I remember the first time I saw him, he's no saud but he's so rayaal! I remember telling Jana.

" enzain matabeen takleen shay?" he asks again.

" in thirty minutes, may9er akel gabel" I tell him.

" faroo7a I love you and everything bas entay film! Mala da3y dieting, enjoy life, and I LOVE your body,wallah.."

" I wanna fit into my wedding dress! O feh farg bain skinny o SUPER skinny and every bride should be super skinny"

" if you say so" he flips open his laptop and begins working on something, I take the chance and open mine and resume writing the last part of the story.
He gasped. I froze. I could hardly believe my eyes, I blinked. Is he really here? Oh god I can't do this, I can't take this! I didn’t even see this coming; I thought I would never see him again. And there he was stunningly standing there, right in front of me.

"You're…different!" his eyes widened.

"You're… HERE" I gulped.

" yes. I am" he said and then his beautiful face broke into a smile.
"happy twenty fourth birthday Jana" he handed me a small bag.

I stared at him blankly; I still couldn’t believe my eyes.

" enzain will you take my humble gift? And will you let me in?" he grinned.

" oh, um..come on in, I um sorry" I stuttered stupidly.

I locked the door behind him and led him to the tiny living room. " you want some coffee?" I asked.


I covered my half naked body with my soft fluffy robe and headed to the kitchen. My hands trembled while I prepared the coffee. It was the worst situation I ever experienced. Why would my ex fiancé come all the way here after a whole year of our break up, why?!

And what scared me the most was that I longed for this moment for as long as I remember and when it finally came I felt nothing,I felt...cold.

I poured the coffee into the thermos and placed it on the tray along with two cups; I sighed deeply and went to the living room.

" et'fathal" I handed him a cup of coffee politely and sat on the chair besides him.

" so how are you?" he began a conversation.

" mashy el 7al, how are YOU?"

" el7emdella, 3ayesh" he said. " jana?"


" wayed met'3ayra, tadreen lo ashofich bel share3 ma3arfech"

" I don’t think I've changed" suddenly I was so annoyed. He didn’t have the right to show up here and act all normal and easy like we're old friends or something.

" your appearance changed I meant" he said " but you're still beautiful" he added.

I ignored him and sipped my coffee.

" why are you angry?" shit! How did he know?!

" im not" I faked a smile.

" you know what was really bad about our relationship?" he said.


"is that we got to know each other way too well" he grinned " so don’t fake it, I know you very well"

I sighed. "you know what? Yes I am angry! You know why? Because I don’t know what you're doing here! why did you come here?! YOU SHOULDN’T BE HERE!" I yelled.

" I came here to wish you a happy birthday, and because I've …missed you"

I laughed " it took you a year to miss me? mashallah 5osh love hatha! Terki ana baroo7 anam, and I think you know your way out, bye." I got up from my seat and left him alone in the living room.

" laish tnamen embacher, it's Friday!" he shouted.

I ignored him, turned off the lights and slammed the bedroom's door behind me.

I woke up the next morning with a heavy heart. My body ached and I didn’t want to get up from bed but I wouldn’t let him win again, I suffered for months and that was enough. Him showing here after a year was not a big deal, I didn’t love him anymore. No, I didn’t love him.

I took a quick shower, wore a comfy dress and had my morning coffee while reading the paper. The bag Terki gave me yesterday was there in the kitchen. I took a quick look inside the bag. There was a card that said " happy 24th to the most beautiful person on this planet. You'll always be in my heart.
Ps: I know how much you love decorating your beautiful earlobes:)
Pps: I still own the darabeel box you gave me

I couldn’t help smiling at the card. It was so cute. I took the little velvet box out of the bag. I opened it and the most beautiful pair of pearl and diamond earrings were there. I ran my fingers gently over it and decided to "decorate" my ears with it. I placed one on my right ear and looked at my reflection in the mirror, I gasped when I saw how beautiful it was with my blue-black hair. I placed the other one and took out the rest of the contents in the bag. A dead flower and an album. Weird, I thought.

I opened the album and a picture of myself wearing a red dress and smiling at the camera appeared. I could feel a lump in my throat when pictures of me in Terki's arms started showing while I flipped over through the photo album.

The doorbell's ringing made me jump. I tucked the album inside the bag and went to answer the door.

It was him again.

" you're crying?" he almost whispered.

I couldn’t resist I kissed him back, I didn’t realize how much I missed his taste and his body against me, god I missed him.

He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled my closer. " what are you doing?" I said breathlessly.

He shut me up with an even deeper kiss.

Before I knew it we moved to the bedroom, he picked me up and threw me on the bed and lied besides me. "I have bad news" he whispered into my ears.

"what?" I whispered back.

" we are still madly in love with each other" he said.

" I don’t care, I don’t want you to go" I buried my head against his chest.

He kissed my head. "I won't" he promised.

And then he moved in with me. I knew it was wrong but I wanted him as close as possible to me, besides he would be leaving in two weeks and I wasn’t sure that he would come back again.

It stayed like this for almost two years now. We lived separately, me between Kuwait and London, him in Kuwait and between other countries because of his job and as soon as he gets a vacation he'd visit again. I'd lie if I tell you that I was okay with this weird relationship. We weren’t even a couple. I lived my life normally without him except at some nights when I lose connection with myself and cry myself to sleep.


I lied on bed thinking. For some reason I couldn’t sleep and it was hot. Terki was sleeping there next to me. I thought about us and how wrong our relationship was. I should talk to him, I thought.

His loud breathing interrupted my thoughts. I touched his bare shoulder in an attempt to wake him up.

"baby?" I whispered.

"hmm" he groaned.

" did you take your pills today?" I stroked his hair.

He struggled to open his eyes " eshfech?" he asked.

" 5athait your pills elyoum?"

He rubbed his eyes " la chenny nesait"

"damn it Terki! Where are they?!" I snapped.

" madry , in my case over there maybe" he said with his sleep filled voice.

I rushed towards the kitchen with a glass of water and took his pills out of his case. " DON’T forget it again, PLEASE?!"

" enshallah" he swallowed the pill and shoved it down with water.

Before he drifted back to sleep again, he brushed my hair and said " I can't live without you janoona, this time I'll take you home with me" and then he took me into his arms and slept on the scent of my hair.

" why did you come here?" a single tear trickled down my cheek and before I could say anything else he pulled me into a deep passionate kiss.

farah aka MOI

14-november-2008 Is when I decided to go to London with my sister Fay and her husband Khalid , I was thrilled because I loved shopping in London and I really wanted to see my former best friend Jana.

I didn’t tell her that I was coming; I wanted it to be a surprise. we landed on the British soil in the morning, we stayed at carlton tower and I'm sure you all guessed what was the first thing I did after waking up from my short nap. Well, I took a cab and drove all the way to bond street. I really wanted to see her.


I pressed the buzzer and waited for less than a minute when, surprisingly for me, Terki opened the door.

" farah?!"


We were both shocked.

" .. IS THIS JANA'S APARTMENT?!" I asked him, blushing.

" um, yeah yeah, 7ayach!" he welcomed me inside awkwardly.

I sat on a chair in the living room with him in front of me. Before I could open my mouth to say something, A skinny girl with Cleopatra-like hair showed. "FARAH!!!" she screamed my name.

" who..JANA!!!!!!!!!" I screamed back. god my friend was different! She didn’t look like her old self at all! She was paler and skinnier, her natural golden glow was gone and her beautiful brown waves were replaced by straight shiny black strands.

"OH MY GOD!! FAROO7AAA!!" she said and jumped on me, giving me a monster hug.

I was taken aback; I thought she didn’t want to see me again. I really, really missed her.

And then I hugged her back and to my utter dismay I started crying. " what the hell is he doing here?" I whispered into her ears.

" I'll tell you everything, just get me out of here first" she whispered back.

I pulled away and wiped my eyes. " Terki,can I borrow Jana?"

He smiled when he saw my tears "sure farah, bas please latabcheen, o latbachenha weyach"

I giggled " I'm sorry"

Jana took her coat and we left the apartment.

" wow, long time no see" she said.

I sighed " I've missed you"

" I thought you didn’t want to see me again" she said. her eyes filled with tears.

" you know, ana makent aby aga63ech Jana" I said.
" I was depressed" she said " you cant blame me, and then I needed you and you weren’t there"

"Neither were you"

We continued walking silently to the nearest café in Bond Street. We sat down and ordered our drinks. " so" she began.

" so…tell me first, eshlonich? How's your life here?" I asked.

"el7emdella, everything's great"

"you mean it?"

"yes I mean it" she assured me " I am happy but.."

" but TERKI …9a7?"

" yes, we don’t even have a relationship, it's like when we're on the verge of breaking down he comes back to me, and it sucks" she said. and then she told me about the whole thing between her and Terki.

" hmm, I don’t like it" I said.

" me neither"

" you know, you should write a book about your love life"
" akteb 3an sheno exactly? 7arakat Terki el '3areeba? Wela sowad wai fahad o s3ood?!, plus I don’t have a love life"

I laughed. " show women what men are really like, plus people love those kinds of things"

" Farah I don’t need to show them how men are screwing our lives, they already know! And speaking of which, are you still with your boyfriend?"

I nodded. " I've never been so in love actually"

She reached for my hand across the table. "testahlain 7abebti, tell me about him, what's he like?"

I sighed. "Perfect, he proposed to me twice and I didn’t give him an answer"

" el rayal min zeman kan yabeech eb zawaj, he didn’t want to play around, entay madry laish 7anachtay 3leh, a5er shay kalamteh hehe" she said " ohwa wayed mo7taram Farah, do you want to marry him?"

" I love him but I'm scared, madry ya3ny" I said.

" say yes, you guys deserve each other, at least one of us will end up with the man she loves, do it for me" she smiled.

I squeezed her hand. "eshlon el derasa?" I asked.

" lo3aa, wallah lay3a chabdy , lots of work, what about you?"

" mashy el7al, bas aby aftak! En5ale9 min el jam3a ye6la3lena shay thani" I said "enzain tell me, what are you going to do about Terki?"

" I think I need to talk to him" she said.

" ana agool, golela about what you feel, tell him its either getting official AGAIN or breaking up because what your having now is mala da3y! he shouldn’t come back and stay at your place as if you were a married couple!"

" my mother hates him" she said.

" but you're only happy with him, and she wants you to be happy!" I was getting impatient; I so wanted these two to get back together.

" I will talk to him tonight, I promise" she said.

I walked with Jana to her apartment, hugged her and took a cab to my hotel.

When Jana entered her apartment Terki wasn’t there, she changed her clothes and waited for him in the living room.

After less than thirty minutes he showed up with tons of Harrods bags in his hands. " hi 7ayati, I've missed you" he said.

"where were you?" she asked him. " o sheno kel hatha?"

" re7t ag3ad weya o5oy, he's here with his wife"

" I know, Farah told me"

" and I brought us dinner" he handed her the bags.

" Terki, I need to talk to you"

"me too" he said.

He sat down beside her. " ladies first"

" it's about us Terki, I don’t like what we're doing. It's like you can live without me,3ady 3endek and when you have a vacation you come here and I welcome you wela chenna 9ayer shay, I hate it Terki, and I don’t want it to happen again" she sighed.

" I know, I hate it too, that's why I want you to be my wife, not my fiancé, MY WIFE" he took her hand in his " would you marry me Jana, baby?"

A million thoughts raced across her brain in a split-second as she sat there. she didn’t know what to say, it wasn’t like before, he wasn’t even her boyfriend. she looked at the loving, gentle expression on his face and her eyes betrayed her and she could feel the warm flood of tears streaming down her face.

She touched his face gently " I'm sorry Terki but what you did to me before one week of our wedding was unforgivable, selfish and heartless. Enta mafakart feeny, instead you considered your brother ely el7een 5a6ab o soon ra7 yetzawaj o wela hamma, you didn’t want to hurt your brother bas rethait enik tejra7ny, you know what's the difference between me and you Terki? I love you so much to the point that I let you in my life again without hesitation, I amaze myself when it comes to you, adoos 3la karamty bas 3ashan I satisfy you, o enta wela 3al bal, tsafer o tred o matgool feh w7da 7mara na6ratny here, despite everything I still love you like before and I'll always will, nothing changed except one thing, the fact that I can live without you, I think I can survive without you and I don’t think that my life sucks without you."

He opened his mouth like a gold fish, he couldn’t speak. He was so shocked and very surprised by her reaction.

And then he took her both hands in his and kissed each one of them and stared at her. " I'm sorry 7abebti, I don’t deserve you" he said.

He let go of her hands, stood up and made his way to the door. She was so overwhelmed with the whole situation, she couldn’t stop crying. And then she stood up and went over to him at the door.

When he saw her approaching him he swept her off her feet and hugged her with every nucleolus of love in his body. He crushed her bones with his love and he didn’t care, he hugged her and refused to let go because he knew that it was the last time he'd be this close to her.

After a while he put her down and kissed her deeply on the lips. "good bye Terki" she said.

"you wish" he and pulled her again for a kiss.

" don’t forget me" she said.

"never" he assured her.

"I'll come to pick my stuff tommorow when you're out" he touched her hand slightly, ran his hand over her delicate fingers and then he spoke again " bye 7abebti"
To her utter surprise, she didn’t feel sad when he left. Actually she couldn’t stop smiling, she finally let go of her anger and was able to move on with her life. Of course she still loved him with every pulse in her heart but she knew that she deserved better. She didn’t want another man and she didn’t want to get married, she just wanted to be happy and thank god, she was. she took her coat and her purse and left the apartment with a huge smile on her face and red eyes.
she wandered happily across the cold,wet streets of london. she was finally breathing for the first time in three years.
The end
not really..

Farah (moi): myself, is married to zain and our wedding is in couple of months.
zain(HH): is obviously married to me.
Jana: just finished her phd thesis and called me yesterday to inform me that she'll be coming to kuwait to help me with the wedding arrangements and preparations. and she's still in love with Terki but she's kinda involved with someone, it's not certain but the guy likes her alot.
Terki: is still gorgeous and single. his business is getting better and better because he's so devoted to it and I personally think that he's still in love with Jana.
Saud: is married to a girl who looks exactly like the old Jana, it's scary and embarassing. I think he was in love with Jana's looks NOT personality because he didn't even have the chance to know her.
deema: I saw her profile in facebook two weeks ago, and let me tell you, that girl is in love with herself because she has 104 pictures in her albums!
Fahad: I heard that he's with a girl I used to know at college, but nothing official yet.
Khalid: he's the sweetest thing ever! ;**
Fay: is pregnant with her second child from Khalid.
Jana met my best friend bader and the rest is history....;)

love you all ;**
yours Farah-moi

Sunday, 22 February 2009

I wore many masks that I forgot which one's my real face(27)

two years later(2008)

My London's apartment was undeniably small, but a delightful haven. I had been lucky to find it; it was on 7 George Street, five minutes away from Selfridges and Bond Street, A very desirable location. The apartment was on the second floor and consisted on a large room, a small bathroom and smaller kitchen behind it and then comes the cozy bedroom. Everyone thought that I moved here about two years ago to get my masters degree, but it wasn’t like that. I needed to be away from Kuwait because everything reminded me of him. even Farah which was no longer my best friend. At first we messaged and talked on msn sometimes but it stopped a few months ago. She was sick of trying and I was sick of pretending.

You're probably wondering what happened after I left Terki in that hospital. Well, after I left that hospital I went home right away. Surprisingly, I didn’t shed a single tear, not ONE tear. I was emotionally numb; I didn’t feel anything to the point that I wished my heart would ache so I could feel human again.

As soon as I reached home I sat on the corner sofa in the living room before my mother. She frowned when she saw my face. "jana? Eshfeech?" she said.

" maby atzawaj Terki, I left him" I told her and walked to my room.

When I entered my room, my wedding dress was hanging out on the closet's door. I brought a mini scissor from my manicure kit and stared at the dress for a while. "im sorry" I ran my fingers over it gently and then I began cutting it off like crazy.

After ten minutes when I saw my six thousand kd wedding dress turned into tiny pieces of fabrics, I sobbed like a baby.

At night my phone beeped. * Sometimes I have to be cruel for the right and wrong reasons. It's a burden only I will live with* Terki.

I saw my mother crying twice that year, and I knew that she knew that I wasn’t the one who ended it with him. She saw me as a divorced woman and it killed her. I didn’t know what hurt more the fact that I was practically divorced or that my mother was grieving.

I don’t remember my life back then, it was blurry. I remember a few things though; being pathetic, ignoring the outside world, living on the sofa and most importantly, I remember getting gray hairs.

One day I opened my eyes. I had one of those moments of waking dislocation. Where was I? I wondered. It wasn’t my bedroom's ceiling. Then I turned my head and saw the big plasma TV of the small living room. I must've slept while I was watching that series, I thought. Suddenly without even thinking of it I got up with the blanket wrapped around me, and walked to my mother's room.

" mama, bakkamel derasty"

"9ij?" her face lit up " ofcourse! Wain tabeen? Bil ba7rain? Nafs farah?"

" no mama, I thought London actually, and since when Farah betkamil bil ba7rain?!"

" 5altich muneera galatly, tgool she'll quit her job at dewan el mu7asaba o betkamil derasat'ha"

"oh" I really missed my sister Farah, who thought we would lost our friendship at the age of twenty three.

After two months I was ready to leave. Everyone came to say goodbye to me, Farah's included.

" deeray balich 3la ro7ech o lateg6e3en please" she said.

"You too" I hugged her.

When we pulled away we had tears in our eyes but we pretended that we didn’t cry. I was going to miss her terribly but I needed this so much. I needed to be away from it all.



When I first moved to London, I felt totally miserable, I hated my apartment, I hated my college and I hated loneliness. I was alone, I didn’t have any friends and I needed to erase everything about him from my life.

When I walked into Selfridges for the first time and smelled APREGE LANVIN; his scent in the air, I collapsed. It was very embarrassing but I couldn’t help it, I sat on a chair at fendi's store and wept. Everyone was looking at me. And then someone came and touched my shoulder "lo sema7tay? Entay kuwaitia?" a soft female's voice said.

I looked up and saw her familiar face. Her beautiful face was tanner that before, her short blonde hair was longer. She was simply beautiful. " jana? 9a7?!" she said.

" yes deema" I sniffed. " hi"

"are you okay?!" she looked concerned.

" not really" I smiled weakly.

Then she helped me to stand up and took me to one of the Cafés upstairs . " I've heard about your um..breakup with Terki , im really sorry " she said.

" you don’t have to be sorry, it was along time ago" I cleaned my nose.

" he's always like that" she said.

" can we please not um talk about him?!"

"sure, sure im sorry" she said and she looked like she meant it.

we talked alot, and I have to admit I really had fun with her. she lived here and she gave me her number and said that I could call her anytime. but I never did.


25th of july-2007 was the first time I let him in my life again. It was my twenty-four birthday. I was watching TV on bed, when I heard my doorbell's ringing. I was wearing a tiny agent provocateur night dress, my bones were sticking out beautifully; I had lost tones of weight. I got up from bed, smoothed my fringe with my fingers and my new black hair and opened the door.

Thursday, 19 February 2009

the LAST cut is the deepest(26)


ge3adt min enoom, jesmy metkaser...ta3bana...whats wrong with me? ana adry mafeeny shay, im not sick...eshfeeny?

myself replied me back with a very soft sad voice: you're heart is broken.

I never thought a heart break can cause such a physical pain.


I cried for an hour before turning on the engine and drove home. I cried while driving my way home. I cried when I saw the fourteen missed calls from Farah. Then I cried even harder when I reached home.

I took a shuddering breath; I couldn’t go on crying forever, though I felt as if I wanted to. But what was the point? I'd ruined my life. I'd hurt myself and the man I love.

After what seemed like hours of crying I decided to go to the bathroom and clean up my face. I gathered my strength and dragged myself to the bathroom.

I couldn’t help starting crying again when I looked at myself in the mirror. My face was a ruin; my eyes were red and minuscule in the puff pastry around them. My nose, especially around the nostrils was bloody red. I was ugly! I splashed my face with cold water which felt so good on my burning face; I splashed it one more time and shuddered. My eyes filled with tears when I looked at my reflection again. I knew that this breakdown wasn’t just about Terki. I cried because I hurt him and because I myself was hurt, I cried for my past, I cried for getting physically hurt by fahad, I cried for not having a decent chance to love Terki; the guy who made me feel the rollercoaster of emotions I had always longed for.

I was about to start crying again when my phone rang. I ran out of the bathroom quickly, hoping it would be Terki regretting what he had said to me, hoping that he wanted to get me back before losing me for good. I began frantically searching through my purse, the phone was still ringing. Where the hell is it? Where the hell is it?!!

When I finally found it, my face fell with disappointment and shock. It was fahad calling.

I picked up without hesitation, I just couldn’t let that bastard get away with what he had done. It was revenge time. " aloo" I began.

" jana, ma9adeg!" he said.

"shoof fahad ana engaged now okay?!!! malek 7ag etdeg 3ley o et2atheny!! Enta 9ij 7aqeer!! How can you live with yourself?! WAI3 YOU'RE DISCUSTING!! I never loved you, being with you was difficult and DISCUSTING!! I hate you!!!! I hate youuuuuu go to hell!! O dawerlek w7da min esheware3, MABY ASHOF REG3AT WAYHEK HERE FAHEM?!!!" I knew it was harsh but I really needed to let go of my anger.


" bye Fahad" I was about to hang up when he spoke.

" jana?" he said.


" im sorry for everything, good luck o allah ewafgech, bye" and with that he hung up.

I was taken aback by his reaction, I stared at the phone for a second and then, suddenly I burst out laughing.
I woke up the next day to the morning light edging underneath my half closed shutter. Something was different. I woke up today with something I didn’t have yesterday, I woke up today with hope.

I could see Terki while I showered, I could see him all miserable and needing me, I scrubbed my body and soul with the loofa until it ached.

I didn’t want to give up on him, not yet at least. I wouldn’t live with the fact that I didn’t try to get him back, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.

" 9aba7 el5air 7abebi:)* I sent him.

To my utter disappointment, he didn’t reply me back. But I didn’t give up, maybe he was still asleep.

I had breakfast with mother, changed my clothes watched TV with my brothers, and I still hadn’t received a single message from him.

* eshfeek ete'3ala?;p* I sent again.

It had been like this for the past two days I sent him lots of messages yet he hadn’t replied. It was utterly frustrating, but I didn’t lose hope.

One day I decided to call him and see what he was doing. He called me after I gave him two missed calls.

" Terkii" I stretched his name in a dala3 way.

He sighed.

" jana are you okay ? me7taja shay?" he almost whispered.

" I need you Terki, I love you.."

" jana please don’t make this harder than it already is"

" wainek?!" I said ignoring what he just said to me.

" at the hospital"

" why??! Whats wrong?!" I panicked.

" NOTHING'S wrong, im just doing my regular checkups" he said.

" which hospital?!"

" jana.."

"WHICH HOSPITAL?" I interrupted him.

" hadi's hospital, now can we please hang up l2na this isn’t making anything better"

" im coming" I said and hung up on him.

I went to hadi's hospital to see him, I needed to talk to him as soon as possible, I needed to stop this madness, I will get married to him, and I will get married to him next week.

He was sitting on the patient's bed and a nurse was injecting him with a large needle which made me dizzy by looking at it alone.

" eshga3da tsaween hnyy??" he muttered angrily.

" I need to talk to you, Terki you are making a big BIG mistake , 9adegny" I struggled with words.

" jana I've made my mind, laish et7ebeen et9a3been el omoor 3ley o 3laich?? Laish ya3ny?!! E7na mu awwal nas enfel "he sounded irritated.

" MABY Terki maby!! We are meant to be together! Enta eshfeek??!!! Ya3ny ana eshbagool 7ag omy o ennas?!! Eshbagolohom!! Terki this isn’t some boyfriend-girlfriend crap, WE ARE GETTING MARRIED!!" I yelled. Terki asked the nurse who was burning holes in me by now, to leave.

He let a big sigh " jana we are NOT together anymore, 5ala9 you need to let go 7abebti, please?" he said softly.

I held his hand tightly " ma3aref o maby! Terki im tired of loosing you, I lost you once and it was unbearable! , maby, it feels like my soul being ripped out of me " I held his hand even tighter " maby"

" ro7ay el bait jana, you need some rest , roo7ay" he said. His eyes were filled with sorrow.

" maby!" I cried. " please don’t do this to me, please" I hugged him hard like a helpless child struggling to be in her father's safe embrace.

He pulled me away " 5ALA9 ROO7AY!! Mabeech jana 5ala9! Tabeen tesme3eny agool chethy ya3ny??!! MABEECH, I don’t want you, I don’t want to marry you" he yelled.

His words were like arrows penetrating my poor heart. I felt so sorry for my heart that I wanted to give it a hug and take all the pain away from it.

I ran my fingers over his beautiful face gently. at least I tried.

" goodbye Terki"

It started in a hospital and ended in a hospital.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

broken dreams(25)

* im so sorry janoon, I love you, I know you're crying now, I feel terrible, we shouldn’t have fought, I didn’t mean it when I said you should leave him, you shouldn’t leave him!, you guys are great together, I love you both. But I still think you should tell him. Please give me a call.* farah messaged me after two hours.

I threw the phone away; I was still angry and hurt. She shouldn’t have talked to me like that. Maybe she was right but the way she said it was awful and it did hurt me.

I couldn’t sleep; I was in a very bad, very complicated situation. I couldn’t confront Terki, but I couldn’t ignore him either.

The next couple of days were utter hell; I avoided Farah and Terki completely. I knew that he felt how distant I was because he called me earlier today to inform me that he'll be coming for a visit; I expected that since I couldn’t possibly ignore my husband to be forever!

I took a quick shower and poured myself into a gray shirt dress. I gasped when I glanced at my reflection in the mirror, I looked like a junkie! I applied two layers of concealer , a bit of mascara and labello chapstick which did no use since I STILL looked like shit.

I didn’t have the energy to dry my hair so I brushed it wet, I was about to lie on bed since brushing my hair alone left me exhausted when my phone rang and his name appeared on the screen. " aloo" I almost whispered.

"hala 7ayati , ana ta7at" he said.

I gathered my strength and made my way downstairs, I took a deep breath and entered the living room. I smiled involuntarily when I saw his stunning figure sitting on the corner sofa; I even forgot how beautiful he was.

He stood up when he saw me and gave me one of his bone crushing hugs, I didn't hug him back, I just couldn’t.

"Are you okay?" he said, brushing a wet strand of my hair off of my face.

" y-yeah, why?"

" are you kidding me? jana where were you? Laish 7agra my calls o my messages?! Are you sick 7abebti? You're so pale!" his pierced eyes examined me.

" im sorry, bas I got know" I smiled weakly.

" oh..oh sorry" he blushed " do you feel better now?"

"Much better" I lied.

He laughed.

" so every time you get your period , you'll ignore me?" he raised an eyebrow.

" hehe no, bas this once because um it was a bad one!"

He brushed my cheek. "I've missed you…wifey"

"Me more 7abebi, me more" I said, suddenly my eyes filled with tears.

"shaklech t3bana , do you want me to go?" he sounded really concerned.

"no, please stay" I touched his hand.

He picked me up and sat me on his lap "I hate to see you like this" he whispered into my ears.

I hate it too. My inner voice said.

Later that night he tucked me in bed and waited at my bedside until I drifted off to sleep. Which killed me the most because he didn’t know the truth, poor thing; he thought I was sick and needed him by my side.

The next day my wedding dress was delivered to my house. I was asleep when my mother knocked on my door. " janoona 7abebti your wedding dress we9al" my mother's excited voice came behind the door.

" Mhm" I groaned.

She opened the door and let herself in " yalla yumma gomay , gaysay el nafnoof 5anshofa 3alaich!"

" mama mabyyy banaaam!"

"Aren’t you excited?!" she asked. NO. I thought.

" mama I already tried it on bel ma7al" my sleepy voice muttered.

" el7een '3air! 3ogeb mathabe6oh! Yalla goomay warrai your mom!" she insisted.

" fine.. huff , bas 5al agoom a'3asel!"

I dragged myself out of bed and into the bathroom. After washing my face and brushing my teeth I headed back to my room. She was sitting on the bed. " there you are!" she grinned "yallah wareeni!"

I took off my pajama and put the dress on " mama help me out" I demanded.

I poured myself into the dress, she zipped it closed for me and adjusted the fabric at the cleavage. " 7elo bas yabelech push up bra, chenich wayed tha3fana?" she frowned.

She was right; I did lost tons of weight.

" bas still esh7alatech, you're like the most beautiful bride bel denia" her eyes teared up.

" aww mama , ofcourse you'll say that im your daughter" I hugged her.

She hugged me back tighter and I started crying too. Not because I was touched, but because I wanted to wear this dress so badly and attend my wedding as Terki's bride.

Two days later I received a message from Terki *I need to see you ASAP*

*y dunt u cum 2 ma house?* I sent him back.

* No, cum to our usual café* okay this is strange, I thought.

* Sure*

I put on a track suit and drove as fast as I could to our café, he was already there.

" hi baby" I sat down before him.

He didn’t say a word, and from the black circles around his eyes I could tell that he was very tired.

" are you okay? is it your heart again?!" I almost yelled. I was panicking.

He shook his head. " jana, I want you to listen to me carefully okay?"

I nodded. Something was wrong I knew it.

" you are the most beautiful, most generous, decent human being I've ever met, you're the only one who convinced my heart to fell in love with you , you're the only one I'll ever love. I know you are strong enough to.."

" why are you saying this?" my lips trembled.

" please let me finish, please" he begged. His eyes were so red.

" the last thing I want to do is break your heart, I swear , entay 7abebti o 7ayati o kel shay, you're literally my everything. Im so sorry my baby, im so sorry I cant marry you , adry betgolin ana mu rayal , im so not proud of what im doing bas magdar a3eesh with the fact that my brother is in love with you, jana I cant marry the girl my brother loves"

" your brother loves?!! WHAT ABOUT ME??!!" I cried "you can't leave me and go, maby maby!!" I clung tightly to his shirt; I was so shocked to even realize what I was doing.

" jana please" he said " please understand"

"UNDERSTAND WHAT?!!! OUR WEDDING IS IN A WEEK!!! YOU BASTARD" I yelled. He shut my mouth with his hand and dragged me out of the café.

" gethbay elsanich!" he yelled back at me " you're making a scene!"

"fuck that!!! I DON’T GIVE A FUCK, please don’t leave me" I collapsed in his arms.

He was so shocked. He carried me to his car, opened the passenger's seat and sat me on it.

" jana please don’t do this" he said " I've been thinking about the whole thing for the past two days and it literally killed me, jana s3ood e7ebich, how can I be around him with you as my wife?!!! Golely shlon!!! Shlon basawy eb o5oy chethy?!!"

I said nothing I just stared at him with huge tears in my eyes. Did I see this coming? No. did I see him like this before? No. he looked literally tormented, he even had tears in his eyes. I smiled at him and "sure" unexpectedly poured from my mouth. I opened the passenger's door and made my way to my car, leaving him behind just like he wanted.

when I got into my car I texted Farah *be happy , ely tabena 9ar*

Sunday, 15 February 2009

she told me once " boyfriends come and go but friends come and never go"(24)

" janoon yalla yumma 5anamshy,e5wanich lawe3aw chabdy" mom said after she finished sipping her tea.

" 3amety laish entaw matro7oon o ana age6 jana el bait ba3dain" Terki suggested.

She ignored him and looked at my dad. "Sure, you're her husband now" my dad said. God I love my dad!

After many failed attempts from terki's mother to make them stay longer, my family left with Farah's parents.

" esh7alatech elyoum" terki whispered into my ears.

"Thanks baby, enta ba3ad" I blushed.

" janoon,terki 3a6ooni pose 7elo" farah raised her pro camera.

" wait! ana agolokom shetsawoon" she said excitedly " terki put your arms around jana, jana boseeeh esh7alata elyoum!" she clamped her hand over her mouth " sorry, um just..ignore me!"

Terki's face turned to different shades of red; he wrapped his arm around me awkwardly. I couldn’t help laughing.

She took so many pictures of us with different embarrassing poses, terki wanted to kill himself min el fashla. " farah laish mat9awreen khalood o Fay?" he said.

" la malaina menhom 9araw qeddam hehe, entaw a7la, etshawgoon 7adkom newlyweds!"

" ana baroo7 el dewaneya, tamroony ebshay?" saud said while looking at me.

" salamtek bu 3bdul3zeez" both terki and Khalid muttered.

Farah excused herself shortly after that, she kissed me goodbye and whispered "boseeh!" into my ears.

Then while Khalid and Fay were caught up in their sowalef, terki and I quietly made our exit, and walked through the moonlit garden together, just savoring the moment.

I said nothing as he led me down across the garden, beside the pool and into the beach.

He sat on a wooden bench and I laid my head on his lap, I looked up at him, still marveling that he was there, let alone engaged to me.

" I never asked you, min wain yayeb hal 3yoon el 7elwa? Ma7ad min e5wanik nafs your eyes, 7atta your parents" I said.

He stroked my hair " 6ale3 3ala yadety om oboy, kel 3amamy nafsy chethy 3yonhom tgoleb hehe o semer 7adda weird combination"

" BEAUTIFUL combination" I smiled.

He kissed my nose. " bagolich shay bas latz3leen" he said.

"What?!" I panicked.

He laughed " shfeech 5ayfaa?"

I shrugged. Then he got a more serious look on his face " I think you're getting a bit thin, when I met you , you were very sexy, curves and all , now you're skin and bones and im worried"

I sat up and wrapped my arms around him " im perfectly fine, you don’t need to worry"

He didn’t say a word, he gazed at me for a while, and then his beautiful mouth spoke "lets get married as soon as possible, I don’t want to spend any minute away from you"

" in a month enshallah, I'll be completely yours"

"enshallah" he said.

When terki dropped me home at 3 am, I received a message from Saud.

" I'll say it again, el a7mar yet7acha 3alaich, you were stunning tonight , I didn’t know how I held myself, but you're not mine, I promise I wont bother you ever again, im happy for you, your smile teswa el denia 3endy.a7ibich jana. Abeech tensain kel ely getlech eyah, I don’t want my brother to get hurt, he deserves you.

Ps: I didn’t feel anything towards Farah, she's a great girl mashallah 3alaiha bas she's like the sister I never had

Pps: thanks for meeting me"

I sighed, at least he accepted the fact that im his brother's fiancé. I turned off the lights and slept with my dress and heels on.
The next couple of weeks were hectic, I was getting married in a month and that was like pulling the impossible, so we decided to make a simple ceremony. Farah was a star, she helped me with all the arrangements, especially with the shopping; it was really tiring but really fun!

She was waiting outside the fitting room while I tried a few gowns that were so beautiful but not on me. "farah im so frustrated! Kel ely gayast'hom mu shay 3ley! Bas two left lel7en I didn’t try them o 7ady 5ayfa!"

" try them on, etha ma3jeboch enro7 somewhere else 3ady!" she suggested.

" okay" I agreed.

I gasped when I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I looked like a princess in that gown, it was a creamy strapless Oscar de la renta that looked amazing against my tanned skin and honey brown hair, I wanted to cry , I felt like it was made especially for me. " haa esh9ar 3alaich?" Farah's voice interrupted my thoughts.

" I think I found the one.." my lips trembled. I opened the door of the changing room and I could see from the tears in her eyes that she loved it too.

" you look.. simply amazing!" she brushed her tear with her left hand. "Twirl! Let me see!"

I did a quick twirl for her " eyanin 9a7? So simple yet so gorgeous! Terki will love it!"

After we finished our shopping Farah went back home with me, we had a Chinese dinner with my mom and then we headed upstairs to my room.

" janoon gimme your phone, badezly elpix maloot elyoum!" she said.

"sure e5theh min jan6ety" I said and headed to the bathroom.

When I finished my business I headed back to my room again. I was applying my moisturizers when she approached me with a very disgusted expression on her face. "sheno hatha?" she shoved my phone on my face.
"sheno sheno?!" I stared at her blankly.

" s3ood shako dazlich message, mu message ba3ad MESSAGES, laish?? S3ood loves you??? You told him about my feelings for him?!!! and you're still with his brother?!!! I wonder what terki will say when he sees this! "She snapped.

" meno sema7lech o galech tba6len my messages?!!!" my heart pounded so hard , I didn’t know how to defend myself.

" you think kent aby ashoof hal mas5ara ely ga3da et9eer?!!! Allah ekshefech o it was opened bel '3ala6!! Jana, how could you?!! He loves you so fucking much 7aram 3alaich!!!"

" HOW COULD I WHAT?!!! I love him to death too entay tadreen!!! Bas shasawy if his brother is in love with me!!" tears were rolling down my cheek.

" then leave him, tabeen etfargenhom? Uhma e5wan jana, they love eachother, tabeen etfargenhom 3la shay tafeh?!"

"shay tafeh?!" I chuckled between tears " I cant leave him!! farah he's my husband NOT my boyfriend!! I'll marry him in two weeks!"

" I know that you love him, bas shloun sema7tay 7ag nafsich ena you meet him, jana what if Terki found out!! "

" he wont! I wont let it happen, I know I know!! It was very stupid of me to meet him bas kent lazem a7e6 7ad 7ag s3ood!! Please don’t tell terki!! Please" I sobbed.

" I wont, I would never do such thing to you, but you have to leave him, you cant start a relationship that is based on lies jana, you just cant"

" is this some jealousy thing farah?!!, because Saud loves ME not YOU, IS IT?!"

Her face looked shocked for a second " you're… you know what jana? I have to go, enjoy your lies"

And that was the last time I saw Farah as my best friend.

Friday, 13 February 2009

im not falling in love,im just falling to pieces(23)

" no s3ood!! Its wrong!!" I shook my head to make sense out of what he just told me " I cant believe im actually discussing my love life with you!"

"YOU THINK ITS EASY?! Its not fucking easy jana!You're like my forbidden fruit, I love you so much and I cant do nothing about it, jana its not fair!" he snapped.

"well, apparently life is not fair! You love me I love terki, farah loves you!" I clamped my hand over my mouth when I realized what I just said.

His sharp eyes widened in disbelief and
his mouth hung open like a goldfish " what did you just say?!" he managed to ask.

" n-nothing! , s-s3ood I got to go! P-please get out of my car" I stuttered. My face was so hot and I was sweating furiously.

He frowned and gave me an unreadable look. He got out of the car "bye" he said and closed the passenger's door behind him.

What have I done?!!! Oh my god! oh dear lord!!!! I was panicking. "ambeee shsawaity jana shsawaity!!!" I shouted.

I didn’t know how I did it but I drove as fast as I could until I reached my house. I parked my car and headed inside quickly, my heart was still pounding and my legs were shaking. I got in the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I sighed deeply, think jana think , ambee eshhababt , I muttered under my breath.

I washed my face three times and decided to call terki , I needed to hear his voice.

" why didn’t you try to get me back when I dumped you?? Where were you in the past couple of months??!! " I cried as soon as he picked up.

" hey hey , shfeech?!!" he sounded surprised.

I sniffed. " answer me!!"

He sighed. " I tried to get you back in the right way, bas your mother refused me"


" jana, my mom e56ebtich 7agy min omich , bas omich erfethat" he said.

"why didn’t you tell me?" I whispered. I was in total shock.

" when your mother refused, I thought YOU refused but I couldn’t stay away for too long , that’s why I messaged you a month later"

" terki I've to go"


I hung up before he could finish his sentence.

I went to my mother's room, I was so furious at her, she didn’t have the right to do this behind my back, for gods sake she KNEW how much I loved him. I knocked on her door. " ta3alay" she said. She must've thought I was one of the maids.

" mama laish ga9aitay 3ley?" suddenly I was crying again.

" what? What are you talking about?" her eyes widened.

" laish mageltely enna terki 5a6abny o YOU REFUSED HIM!"

" jana 7abebti , terki maye9la7lich" her tone was so sympathetic , I was surprised.

"ohwa wayed open minded o e7na manaby wa7ed chethy yumma, entay benty elwa7eeda maby a36eech 7ag ay a7ad, jana his brother kelish '3air 3anna, o enasbich" she added.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, I didn’t want to fight, I just wanted to make things clear for her " mama ana a7ib terki, I still do, I don’t care if he was too open minded and whatever, and I think that you saw that he loves me too BECAUSE HE TRIED to ya56ebny o entay refathtay bedoon lata5theen rayey or ray baba"

" oboch kella emsafer" she muttered.

" mama that’s not the point!!! , you should've told me! AND I DON’T WANT HIS BROTHER!!" I yelled.

"Thanks for making my life a lot easier" I added sarcastically and left her room.

I called farah and told her everything. She was shocked and MAD , she said things like " 5alti mu min 9ejha!! god whats wrong with her?!! Ana bagool 7ag omy t7acheha!! What the hell!"

She told her mother everything and luckily for me , 5alti muneera liked terki a lot, since her daughter was married to his eldest brother, and since my mom was her best friend ,she decided to convince my mother that he was a great guy and "enasebny" for that matter.

Two weeks later terki "taqadamly" again, this time my mother said yes, my father said yes and I said yes.

I was busy being happy that I forgot about Saud completely, I even forgot about what I had mistakingly told him about Farah.

Terki's mom invited my family and Farah's for dinner at her house. I had a hard time getting ready; it was different because the spotlight would be on me since I was the bride to be.

I applied bright red lipstick that matched my purplish-red dress, let my natural brown waves down and put on my four inches purple manolos.

My parents were waiting for me downstairs along with the twins. " yuba wainech allah ehadach 9ayerlena sa3a na6reen" my dad said.

" I was getting ready, sorry yubba" I blushed.

He grinned. he was very amused with the idea of his only daughter getting married.

We arrived at their house a little later than everyone else, I assumed since the parking was full. Great! I hated it when I was late, it meant all eyes would be on me, it wasn’t like feh a7ad '3areeb or anything but still, I hated being late.

Their new house was much bigger than the older one; it had a very strategic location, the beach was just a few steps away from the house. om khaled led us inside with a big grin and lots of welcoming pleasantries.

I greeted everyone politely, hugged Farah who was stunning in her peach silk dress, and sat between her and Fay. "7addy mu m9adga enich ra7 tetzawejain, weddy ayabeb!!" Farah whispered into my ears.

"It could've been you" I said. She rolled her eyes.

" wain rayly?" I asked her jokingly.

" 7adda mu layeg 3alaich hehe, madry 3anna min shway kan hnee" she looked around her.

" sheno shu3orech jana?!!" Fay said excitedly.

" madry, should I be happy?"

She giggled " wallah tara el zawaj 7elow bas you'll miss your single life ebbait ahalech"

" ba66awil fatrat el 5e6ba 3ayal!" I panicked.

" eee 6awlay eshlech bel zawaj el7een, ge3day weyay!" Farah squeezed my hand.

"el fal lech faroo7" Fay said " lat3anseen o nebtelesh feech"

" wallah 3ad ana mu mesta3yela o eshda3wa feh me3ris wana madry!"

" feeh bas entay matabeena, eshzeena el rayal" Fay obviously meant Zain.

Just then Terki and Saud appeared, both looking gorgeous with their dishdasha and ghutra on. Butterflies danced in my stomach when he approached me after greeting my parents. " eshlonich 7abebti?" his husky voice made me shiver.

" el7emdella eb5air, enta eshlonik?" I said aware of everyone's eyes on us.

" lucky" he winked. I turned to a huge tomato; he didn’t have to do this in front of our families!

" bag3ad yamich " he demanded.

I sat next to him , he took my hand in his. " golay 7ag e5wanech les'3ar eyoon yammy, I wanna bribe your mother hehe" he whispered into my ears. I couldn’t help laughing, he so wanted my mother to like him.

" wahaby ,7amani ta3alaw hnee" I motioned for them to come.

Wahab, being the bold one, came without hesitation while 7amani refused. "eshfeeh thab7a el7aya?" Terki grinned.

I laughed " ee o5ooy daloo3 o 7ayawi mayet7ammal"

Terki kissed wahab's cheek lovingly " what's your name?" he asked him.

" 3abdulwahab yousef 3abdulra7man yousef N al- N" wahab answered.

" wene3em" Terki laughed.

" eshlonich jana?" Saud said interrupting us. He looked me up and down shamelessly

" tamam, enta eshlonik?" I said coldly.

" wallah 6ayeb el7emdella" he smiled. I didn’t know why but his smile scared me.

" ta3al bu 3bdul3zeez eg3ad yammy" Terki said.

Saud responded by sitting next to his brother. I tried to relax but failed, your fiancé's brother is in love with you, a small voice in my head declared, I gulped.

"Farah, eshlon el she'3el eb dewan elmu7asaba , enshallah merta7a?" Saud started a conversation with now surprised Farah.

" el7emdella el sh'3el wayed zain , bas now emsha'3leny bil finance department o ana accounting, so lazem a7awel enny a'3ayer" she said.

" refejy yesht'3el 3endekom bel finance department, chan t3arfeena, esma zain al-M" Terki said.

"Yeah I do know him" Farah said blushing. She couldn’t believe how their paths kept crossing.

Saud looked at Farah in a way even he couldn’t recognize, their eyes met in a split second, her heart sank and she looked away.

Om Khalid interrupted everyone's thoughts and chattering by announcing that the dinner was ready. We all headed to the giant dining room.

Everything was perfect, the evening was perfect, our families were perfect together, my Farah was perfect, my Terki was perfect and I was perfect next to him. I truly believed that we would grow old and gray together, I truly believed.

ps: this post is dedicated to YOU.

pps: for the anonymous who asked me about the "no make-up make-up", try clinique brown and beige eye shadow, matte light bronze blusher and light pink lipstick since your skin is fair!;*

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

Bittersweet reunion (22)

I don’t believe it has actually been three years. I still remember that day very clearly, I remember the place, the smells, the details, his face and my feelings. I still remember his face when I walked into that café; I was wearing the black dress I wore the day of his exhibition, I knew he loved it and I had every intention of torturing him with my beauty just like he had always done to me.

His entire face lit up when he saw me approaching our usual table. I made sure I looked relaxed and happy, I didn’t want him to see how miserable I was. He stood up when I reached our table,"hi" I said.

"Hey…Jana" he frowned when he said my name as if it bit his tongue. He was in a baby blue shirt that matched his eyes so perfectly; his eyes were grey- blue at that moment. Weirdly beautiful eyes I thought.

We both sat down, his eyes never leaving mine, I was uncomfortable. "So how's life treating you?" he broke the ice.

" um actually, I've never been better" I lied.

" oh, that’s ..that's great" he hesitated.

"how's your heart, and your overall health?" I asked.

" el7emdella 3la kel 7al" he smiled.

" 5athait your meds elyom?" I raised an eyebrow.

he nodded .

" gym?"

he nodded again.

I giggled. god I missed him.

" so, sheno a5er a5barech jana?" he grinned.

" well,I've been working in an attorney's office, bas maidany mu sh'3el 9ijy ya3ny, bas I like work already, el7emdella!" I said excitedly.

" wow, my little girl grew up" he smiled, his eyes were still fixed on mine.

I blushed. He shouldn’t have said that, I wasn’t "his", or was I ? . I looked away " what about you?"

" wallah nothing much, radet lekuwait last week, el sh'3el may5ale9,bas el7emdella im having good deals" he said in a businesslike tone.

" you never told me sheno your business, you know that?" I looked at him again.

"well, it's called YOUKUW you can Google it" he smiled. He had one of those smiles that broke the heart. Thinking of it still breaks my heart.

" you know I wont , I suck with computers" I blushed.

His palm brushed mine accidently, sending a warm delicious feeling through my entire body; I jumped when I realized how this tiny touch caused all this. Suddenly tears gathered in my eyes, stinging them like lemons. I tried to fight them off but they betrayed me. Terki got so close to me, he held a strand of my hair and inhaled at it deeply. "coconut with a hint of lemon" he murmured as if to remind himself what my hair smelled like.

He placed it gently behind my ear and pulled away slightly. "When I was seven I found a little kitten outside our house, the moment I laid my eyes on it I felt responsible for it, I couldn’t leave it in the streets , it was suffering , it couldn’t stop meowing for help, I begged my mom to keep it in our house, she refused at first but then she finally agreed when she saw how desperate I was to have it" he said " when I held it in my hands for the first time it stopped crying for help, it thought I was it's mom or something, it became like my lil child, I fed it , took care of it and put it in bed with me, I even fought with s3ood when he tried to kick it" he giggled. " wallah we couldn’t be away from eachother. It used to be jealous when I was around little kids hehe, it died after two years "he looked deep into my eyes.

" er .. im sorry for your loss. but why are you telling me this?" I asked.

"You remind me of that kitten" he said .

" I remind you of a KITTEN? Min gaddy!" I said sarcastically.

He laughed "I meant I feel the same way about you a7es I cant be away from you, I want you around me all the time"

"Nice try" I said " I know I shouldn’t say this but I cant be away from you too, and I want you to be around me all the time"

"Do you want to start over?" he sounded serious.

" no, lets leave it 3alallah ya3ny I don’t want to be your girlfriend , lets just be in touch , just because we cant be away from eachother" I winked.

He laughed "yeah sure"

The rest of the evening was perfect; we talked a lot and shared childhood stories. I couldn’t remember the last time I was this happy, that man completed me. I promised myself that I would never leave him again.

Unfortunately my mother was still awake when I reached home. " wain kentay?" she said coldly without looking at me.

" 3end farah" I said and ran my away upstairs. My relationship with mom was still tense, since the volcano eruption that happened between us two months ago. Despite all that I really missed her.
I woke up to the sound of my phone announcing a message. " good morning pussy cat;)" from terki.

" morning;p* I sent back and headed to the bathroom.

I spent my day with farah, we did some shopping and then we went to the movies. she told me all about zain, and how she began "developing some sort of feelings for him". I wasn’t exactly happy for her because I didn’t know the guy but I was relieved that she no longer had feelings for saud, little did I know that she was even more in love with him by now.

While I was driving my way home, my phone beeped indicating a message. I flipped it open and gazed at the screen * it took just one hit of you, now im addicted* saud. SAUD?!! Okay I've had enough, I had to call him and put a limit for this! . I dialed his number and waited, my heart was pounding so hard. " aloo" he said softly.

"s3ood, what the hell are you doing?"

" what? I.."

" you CANT keep on sending those messages!!! May9eer!!! " I yelled.

" listen I have to see you, I know its wrong but I really need to see, aby agolech sha'3la" he said. He had a very calm, low pitched voice, I came to notice that.

"I cant!! S3ood you shouldn’t send me messages and you shouldn’t call! please understand"

"I promise I won't bother you again, I just need to see you el7een for five minutes only, okay?"

"Five minutes only!" I sighed.

I refused to get in his car. We parked in an empty place; he turned the engine off and got in the car with me. " hi jana" he greeted me with a big smile on his face.

" hey" I said without smiling.

" please 5ale9 bser3a, what is it?!" I was seriously uncomfortable.

" I'll tell you everything bas don’t interrupt me okay?"

I nodded.

" from the first moment I saw you I knew that you’re the one for me, jana latefhemeny '3ala6, I want you bel7alal , I want to marry you, ana maby sowalef yahal o relationships o hal 5arabe6, trust me im not like that, o adry enich wa7da mo7tarama , ana meste3ed atqadamlech min bacher, adry you think enich t7ebeen my brother.."

" I do!" I interrupted him.

" please, let me finish.., I know my brother very well, I love him and everything but terki is always like this , all his girlfriends suffered with him, he gets serious for a few months ba3dain efel , madry laish , he always claims that the girl is not for him , o he hasn’t found the one yet o madry sheno, maybe he loves you but he treats you like the rest of them, what makes you so sure that he will marry you? jana IAM ready to settle down" he looked deep into my eyes " I swear im serious, I even talked to my mom about it"

I sighed " s3ood look, you're a great guy um apparently, but Im in love with your brother, like DEEPLY in love with him, I know that he can be so immature sometimes, maybe all the times but I know that he loves me , I saw it s3ood"

" okay ma5talafna, he loves you, but not enough to marry you" he said.

" I guess we'll see about that" I looked away, I was getting seriously annoyed.

I felt his hand touching my chin, he lifted it up with his fingers "look at me" he demanded.

I forgot how handsome he was, his face was so tanned, his small nose was perfectly placed above his pink lips.

"I tried to fight the feeling off but I couldn’t, I swear I tried to forget but I couldn’t, I tried to stay away from you bas magedart, I can do anything you want, I even talked to your doctor 3ashan enaj7ech, I really think I can do anything for you, I love you jana, im sorry" he said. I was stunned, I looked at his sharp black eyes and to my utter surprise I saw pain in them and … love.

Sunday, 8 February 2009

endurance (21)

He didn’t pick up. But of course he wouldn’t pick up, it was 3 am. He's probably asleep now, I thought.

I was about to make my way to my room when the phone ringing made me jump.

I turned around and picked it up with shaky hands. "aloo" his sleepy voice filled the other end.

"It's Jana" I said.

" oh, hi 6ala3tay min el mostashfa?" he sounded surprised.

"No, in a couple of days enshallah. Um I had to talk to you that’s why I called"

"Sure. What is it?" His voice was clam.

" I don’t know how to say this, um mom wants me to break up with you"

"What?!" he chuckled.

" I think you heard me right, Terki we both know that what we did was wrong! And im not sure if you really want this! I mean us, you're not even serious about me!"

"Baby I told you that I'll fix it, I love you jana! I want you! "

" Terki, talk is cheap! Enta ga3ed et3ashemni! You always say you'll fix it, FIX WHAT EXACTLY?!! Omy 3a6atny 6rag! She never hits me!! NEVER!" I yelled.

"You know I can come to your house o atqadamlech bacher just to make your mother happy! Bas I wouldn’t be satisfied, Jana, you know my work's nature! Look, in a couple of months I will be settled here, no work no travels I promise, but would you wait til then?!"

" Terki im sorry bas I don’t believe you, and I don’t think I can trust you again either. I don’t think "us" will work " I said.

"So you're breaking up with me now?"

" im sorry.."

"Are you sure that's what you really want?"

"I don’t have a choice"

"THAT’S YOUR EXCUSE??!! YOU DON’T HAVE A CHOICE!!! YES YOU HAVE!! " he shouted " I don’t believe this, you know what? I think you're a coward. I think… I have to go" he hung up.

And just like that, I dumped the love of my life
Two days later I was allowed to go home. As soon as I got back I recharged my phone, I was hoping that Terki had sent something.

* el7emdella 3ala el salama o matshoofen shar enshallah* from Saud.

* happy birthday joonty;* from fahad!

And none from Terki.

I sighed loudly and buried my head on the pillow. What have I done? I miss him terribly, I wonder what he's doing now.

A month had passed in a blink of an eye. I got a job in an attorney's office during summer holiday only. farah too, she was hired in the STATE AUDIT BUREAU to get some work experience for the CV.

All days were the same ; I worked from early in the morning until noon, after that I'd get back home, lay on the sofa for hours and then I'd have a light dinner, read a fat book and doze off.
I didn’t even have the time to miss him. or maybe i had but it didn't matter, I was an independent woman and so was he, he didn't even try to message.

One day farah came over to my house. as soon as I saw her face I knew something was up.

" whats wrong?" I asked.

" hmm nothing" she smiled.

" you're blushing! WHAT IS IT?!"

" well, ommy elyom galatly feh nas yayelech" she made a face.

" nas? as in yayeen ya56ebonech?!"

" wa7ed ma3ay bel dawam" her face turned crimson.

" is that a good thing?" I was getting impatient, I wanted to know everything.

" um ohwa 5osh wa7ed..I think ya3ny, ma3arfa jana, bas he's weld nas o mashallah 3leh he's er..HOT! o his father is the president of **** , madry!"

" laish matshoofena, mara7 ta5sereen shay , right?!" i raised an eyebrow.

" jana in love with someone else!" she said in a higher tone.

" please dont tell me you're still in love with S3OOD!!!" I was frustrated " farah honey , s3ood dosent even notice you! el rayal mayadry 3an hawa darech, im sorry! bas its the truth"

" YOU'RE MEAN! kaify i love him o mara7 ashoof hatha! ma7eba o ma3arfa!" her eyes were tearing up.

"kaifech, el zawaj mu '3a9eb, you know that 9a7?" I stroked her hair.

she nodded " im sorry"

" its okay, I know you love him, I hope he starts feeling the same"

It was obvious that zain fell in love with farah the moment he lied his eyes on her, because he couldnt stop trying. his mother called farah's mother several times and she'd refuse in each and every time.
two months later I got a message from Terki. * how you doing:)?* it said.

* never been better* I lied.

* thats good to know:)* he sent back.

*but im missing a certain someone:)* i sent.

* could it be that stupid someone that wishes you were here every day?*

* maybe:)*

* that stupid someone misses you like hell, he thinks his life sucks without you..he thinks he wants to see you so badly:)*

*I think seeing him wont harm anyone:)* I sent. my heart was racing, I was hoping he'd get back to me, since the day we broke up.

* tonight?:)*

* 7:30 :)*

*sounds good, where?*

* $$$ cafe*


It felt like a first date, I was so nervous, I felt like throwing up! I got dressed quickly, and left before I bump into mom.

Im not sure what I felt exactly when I saw his face, I wanted to jump on him , I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to slap him for leaving me, I really didnt know what I felt.

Thursday, 5 February 2009

shattered (20)

My mom knew all about my relationship with Terki, but she sure didn’t find out about our short trip. I could see her sympathetic worried eyes turn to icy angry ones. I knew that once im fully recovered she would confront me; I knew that I was in a big trouble.

"You can't keep on blocking him away, 7aram 3alaich he called me million marra egool he needs to see you" Farah said. She didn’t leave my bedside in the past ten days. I was still in the hospital; I was too um... Broken to be released. the doctor said something like "meno ga9 3alaich o galech enna mafeech shay?"

"Farah maly 5elg ashofa, 7ady lay3a chabdy menna, mat9adgeen shkether!" I said.

"ee laish ya3ny?? You know it's not his fault! 7aram 3alaich tara methel ma ana Martha 3laich ham ba3ad Martha 3leh"

" ana agolech laish! La2ana kelma im with him, something happens! Madry laish! , 7ady tenasait feh, o a7es ena if I saw him I'll do something that I'll regret later!" I tried to explain how I felt.

"Something like what ya3ny?!" I could sense her annoyance, she was mad at me.

" something like DUMPING him"

"entay yanaity?! 9ij enich mu kafo wa7ed e7ebich hal kether! You'll see him ya3ny you'll see him fahma??!!!!!!" she yelled. Uh oh! The anger issues had always scared me!

"okay, fahma" I whispered.

At noon Farah left and mom came over with the boys, I made sure that they were around me all the time; I didn’t want to confront my mom, yet.

But of course om 3bdulwahab wouldn’t have it that way.

" 7amani,wahab 6el3aw shway barra e5etkom ta3bana" she said.

" mama mu ta3bana abeehom here, I missed them" I said. I was sick from fear.

" 6el3aw barra" she said sharply. They got out of the room whispering something to each other.

" sem3eeny 3adel jano, ana sakta 3anech o 3an sowalfech 9ayerly foug el 7 months, kel youm 6al3atly ebchethba o ana ga3da a6aweflech, entay eshayfa omich?? La golely eshayfatny 7MARA?!! " she shouted as soon as they slammed the door behind them.

I was so scared, I had never seen mom like this. I daren’t say a word.

" bnaya shkobrech matest7en 3la wayhech??? Mafakartay ennas yet7achon??? Mafakartay enna 3endich som3a o ahal??!! Shely estafadteh el7en?? '3air enich emkasara o naima bel mostashfa??!!!"

" mama masawait shay!!! A7eba!!" I cried " 9ar 7aram el7en?? Mama I love him!!! "
She grabbed my arm real tight, it hurt. " sem3eny zain jano! Mabeech tshofena marra thania, SEMA3TEENY?! Shdarach enna ohwa mu ga3ed ege9 3alaich??! Jana ohwa lo e7ebich chan taqadamlech!!!"

"You can't stop me! im a big girl! IM A WOMAN mom! You cant stop me from seeing him! 7aram 3alaich!!" I was sobbing like a baby, my mom never treated me like this her entire life, I had always been a good girl, and she knew it.

" mu hathy elmoshkela gelteha!! You're a woman! Bas wain ely yefham!! Entay ely 7aram 3laich!! Tsaween ebnafsech o feny chethy!! , esta'3fer allah yaraby 3endy bnaia wa7da o mlaw3a chabdy!!! Lawa3ty chabdy!! "

" BAS!!! Bass!! I DON’T WANNA HEAR A WORD!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!" I yelled and then all of a sudden she was caught off guard and she slapped me very hard on the face.

I felt the electric shock of the slap, the heat that was rising from my left cheek suddenly made me aware of what just happened. My mother laid her hand on me. It was nothing like fahad's slap; it was more of a slap that was directed to my soul. My damaged soul.

I can still remember the look in her eyes. I couldn’t tell what she felt, was it fury? Sadness? Regret? Was she crying? I didn't know and I couldn’t see. I only saw one thing; I saw hatred in my heart for that woman in that very moment.

When she left, I resumed crying, I was crying furiously because everything went wrong, I was helpless and I was sick of "7athy el 3awai".

After long hours of crying, I started thinking about Terki. If he was worth all this pain im going through, what if mom was right and he was "ege9 3alay" , but I knew that he wasn’t , I knew that he loved me, I felt it.


I woke up at night; it was dark except for the thin ray of light that was coming through the window. I didn’t move, I stayed there in the same position, reflecting the events that led me to where I was now. A single tear trickled down my cheek, I believe that it was a tear of relief; I was relieved that I was finally alone without the lot of them.

Then it hit me, I needed to talk to Terki as soon as possible, like NOW.

Shit. There was this problem, my phone wasn’t with me. I thought for a minute and came up with something.

I got up from bed, helped myself to the wheelchair and drove myself to the hospital's counter. luckily for me everyone was asleep and there wasnt even a single doctor to be seen.

Wednesday, 4 February 2009

3alagtni bel hawa ya ZAIN (19)

He said he won't let anything happen to me, he promised me that I'll be okay with him, he promised that this would be the best birthday I've ever had, he promised me that….

I opened my eyes to the sight of a worried pair of hazel- green eyes. I tried to open my mouth to speak but apparently something was keeping my mouth shut. I raised my hand to touch my mouth; it was covered with something that felt like cotton and fabric.

"You're okay 7abebti" Terki sighed " im so sorry" he smoothed my hair.

Just then my senses came back to me and I realized how angry and furious I was at him, I wanted to kill him! I couldn’t even stand looking at him, I was in a hospital bed in my birthday OUTSIDE my country and god knows how long I've been here , all because of his stupid driving!

I tried to sit myself up slowly, he tried to help but I pushed him away. He opened his mouth to say something but he couldn’t, he was so surprised by my action.

"esa3a cham?" I managed to say.

" thentain" he said.

"what do you mean thentain?!!" I yelled. Ouch! my lips hurt, my chest hurt!

" we had an accident, remember that?!" he said.

"How can I not remember?!!! im in a hospital bed for gods sake!! Kella menek! Madry laish you were speeding!!! Uff sheno esa3a thentain!! Omg!!! Are we still in Bahrain?!! Omg" I wasn’t making any sense.

"Calm down!" he touched my arm " e7na lail7en bel ba7rain, its 2 am, im sorry but I'll fix it, I know this is a complete mess I know, we missed our plane bas feh '3airha, aham shay you get well" he said calmly.

I covered my face with my hands; it was literally a complete mess. I wanted to cry and scream , I wanted to hit him for causing this but I knew deep inside that it wasn’t his fault, plus I was in pain; my entire body ached.

A doctor came in to the room, he checked my blood pressure. " doctor what's this thing on my mouth?" I said. it was giving me a hard time speaking.

"your mouth was bleeding heavily, don’t worry, it's just cotton and bandage. You can remove it when the bleeding stops" he said.

"Other than that, im okay?" I asked him.

" well, your chest was hurt pretty badly, and your right arm is broken, but you'll heal in no time" he smiled " I know you have a plane to catch , your husband here told me, but we couldn’t release you because you were unconscious, if you can walk now, we can let you go" he added.

To my utter dismay I couldn’t! I couldn’t walk. But I couldn’t stay here either. I motioned for Terki to get closer to me. "Get me out of here ASAP!" I whispered in his ear.


It was the hardest flight I've ever experienced. I was in a very bad shape, I couldn’t stop crying. I had a nurse besides me; who didn’t help at all.

We landed on Kuwait at 4:00 am, I was exhausted, I wanted to get home , Terki was exhausted too, his head was injured and was wrapped with a bandage and his eyes were so red. I was moved in an ambulance, unfortunately for me I wasn’t allowed to sleep at home.

Terki came to the hospital with me, I could see how tired he was, he barely kept his eyes opened. Last thing I remembered was when he took my phone and called my mother.


while we were in bahrain
farah went to apply for a job in STATE AUDIT BUREAU aka "dewan el mu7asaba" since she majored in accounting. her uncle was something important there, so he did a "was6a" for her. she dressed carefully;she wore a black pencil skirt with a white crisp shirt to make her look professional. little did she know that she would make a joke out of herself.

she remembers that day very clearly, the day she met ZAIN.

when she entered the building , they sent her to the finance department despite the fact that she was an accounting major student. she didn't know where to go. she stood there for a little while , then she decided to call her uncle. she dialled his number several times but to her dissapointment he didn't pick up.

" losema7tay e5ty.." she could hear a male's voice behind her.

she turned around, the guy was wearing dishdasha and ghutra , he was really tall , his big black eyes grabbed her attention, actually his whole face grabbed her attention.

" tabeen musa3ada ebshay?" he asked "9ayerly sa3a ashofech wagfa hny bas ba'3et asa3ed" he smiled sweetly.

" ee wallah, im applying for a job, o madry someone sent me here bas ta5a9o9y accounting, madry" she said.

then he helped her with everything, he was such a sweet heart, his name was strangely funny and cute and WEIRD for that matter. his name was ZAIN AL-M

Tuesday, 3 February 2009

what happens in bahrain,stays in bahrain(18)

We landed on the Bahraini soil less than an hour later. Terki was right; it was so close to Kuwait.

We found a taxi outside the airport, Terki told him the name of the hotel and then we settled into the backseat of the taxi.

I was looking outside the car's window through the entire drive; Manama was small, even smaller than Kuwait. The taxi driver pulled over in front of the hotel's entrance, we gathered up our things or lack of it, and headed inside.

I sat on one of the chairs in the lobby, while terki was talking to the concierge. To my utter shock I saw a girl I knew from college, she was met7ajba, at least a week ago she was met7ajba, now she was wearing a small strapless pink dress, her entire body was showing, I would never wear such thing, but who am I to judge her? After all im the one who came all the way here with my boyfriend.

" aham shay HONEYMOON suite" I said.

" ee shfeech 3ashan en3eesh el door" he laughed.
The suite was so romantic, red roses everywhere, on the bed, on the floor along with scented candles of course. I found it ridiculous and funny since I wasn’t that kind of person who believed in fairytale romance, I was so realistic for my own age. Maybe because of my parents fucked up relationship. I know what you would think now, how did they PRODUCE 7amani and wahab, well don’t ask!

"eshrayech ne6la3 now? I talked to someone, he brought us a car" I thought he sensed my discomfort.

"Sure, im ready!" I said.

We got in the blue range rover that was waiting us outside the hotel and drove off into the streets of Bahrain.
Terki stopped at Moda mall, he said it’s a new shopping complex and that I should at least take a look.

I was impressed! The mall was TRES CHIC, it contained all my favorite designers' stores, all under one roof, it was easier for me to shop yet I was embarrassed from Terki's generosity, he insisted that I buy whatever I liked and I couldn’t resist.

After a long tiring yet delightful cruise around the shops, we were both loaded with shopping bags, it was so much fun shopping with him, but it was funny at times, he picked things that were so ugly that I wouldn’t be caught dead in them!

" janoon baroo7 armani bashoof el shirts tyeen?" he said.

" you know what? I'll go take a look at the jewelry garden court o I'll get back to you, ok?" I didn’t want to miss the chance, I adored jewelry.

It felt so Audrey Hepburn in breakfast at tiffany's, it was heaven like, I couldn’t stop trying things on, I bought a beautiful turquoise van cleef and arples ring for Farah and a pair of pistachio van cleef earrings for myself . I left the shop warm at heart with a noticeable glow on my face.

We were exhausted and really hungry we decided to get back to the hotel to eat and rest.
we turned on MTV while he ate an enormous burger and I had the salad garnish. "I'll go hit the mini bar , tabeen shay?" he asked, making his way to the fridge cabinet.

"Water please" I said.

He came back to me with two still water and one sparkling; Perrier to be precise. " there you go baby" he said offering me the bottle.

As soon as I put my plate aside, Terki pulled me towards him and sat me up on his lap. " are you happy?" he asked, while brushing a strand of hair off of my forehead.

"How can I not?" I said.

And then his mouth joined mine, I flipped straight into the zone were nothing existed but me and him. I was panting so hard, I felt like I might throw up, my stomach was churning with desire for him. "shhh" he pulled away slightly "take it easy" he said. Damn that was so embarrassing.

He kissed me again very tenderly this time, and hugged me hard to his chest, his scent made me dizzy, and then I realized how much I needed a nap.

" jooj de5t, lets get some sleep" he said. I was disappointed yet I was relieved, I could use some sleep.

I rested his head on my lap, as I started stroking his hair, he immediately dozed off. after less than fifteen minutes I was fast asleep with him.

at night we went clubbing at sky bar. we danced apart, we danced in clinch, he held me close and he whirled me around and once he stopped me dead middle of it all and just gazed into my eyes. i remember it clearly;my stomach did a backflip.

It was time to go back to kuwait, I even forgot that i had a home, everything was so perfect here, everything was so perfect with him only around me.

Terki was driving on the way back to the hotel, we had to check out and deliver the car to it's owner. I was distracted with replying to my birthday messages, when out of nowhere a truck appeared in front of us and Terki coudlnt do anything but crash right into it.