Unsuitable 13

Once I took that first shower , I felt actually better. At least I smelled like myself again and I put on the effort to burn a chunk of Bukhor , which reminded me how much he loved that smell on me and it hurt;  the memory but I didn’t cry. I think I’m out of tears. Victory. Yay 

I asked the cook for a hot chocolate and settled on my sofa wrapped up in a clean blanket. I needed to communicate with friends. I texted a couple of my closest friends and that one guy who’s always there even if you never really dated. 

“ uff min wain 6al3a” Hamad replied back almost immediately Making me smile. 

“ miss me?”

“ akeed!” He replied. We’ve always been like this , playful and flirtatious, it was harmless, really he was always with someone ( different , he was the biggest player) and I liked to use him whenever I felt lonely. He was fine with it. 

“ me too, give me a reason to get up from my sofa?”

“ come to my sofa we can watch something”

I giggled. “ will we cuddle?”

“ anything you want my love”

I smiled and got up feeling absolutely naughty. “ coming in 30”

I brushed my teeth put on an oversized sweater and the pair of leggings that fit and left, without bothering to put on any makeup. 

Once I reached him, he was gorgeous and inviting as ever. “ yl ga63a” he scooped me up in a hug. 

“ akhaf enta eli tis2al” I hugged him harder. 

“ shl zaain mashalah”

“ don’t lie I look like a whale I gained 20 pounds”

“ mala shighil tadren enich jameela jiddan”

“ awww habebi enta” 

So we sit down and talk and cuddle , I felt okay with him, no firworks..just a familiar safety. I remember him trying with me 5 years ago when we met but I never felt anything towards him despite him being gorgeous and from a very good family, he just wasn’t it. 

“ so , who was the lucky guy?”

I laughed. “ mafi guy”

“ don’t lie you always come back after a break up” 

“ the audacity sa7?” I joked. 

“You know I don’t mind that sa7?”

I nodded

“So tell me”

“ flan alfulani” I utter his whole name. 

“Oooh mitzawij hatha! Zayon!”

“ no he wasn’t when I was with him”

“ khalas bes b3d tezawaj he’s not yours, shmalah eldrama?”

“ he broke my heart”

“ l2na it’s not meant to be, ohwa ekhtar w7da thanya o khalas lazim you move on”

“ I moved on “

“ you didnt habeebti”

“ I’m trying” My voice muffled against his chest. 

“ khalas tra bagolich elsij, ohwa o zojta both their parents are business partners o min zman mitafqeen fa entay you were never really someone he would consider , e7na n3arifhom o now you know”

“ why are you so cruel?”

“I’m not oho wilni3im feh rayal bes entay makinty el ensana eli yabi titzawjha. Entai bnt zaina min 3ayla zaina bs mu monasba lah ohwa”

Fuck you. “ fuck you”

I ended up crying that night. But I felt slightly relieved After 3 months of suffering , the pain was still there but it was dull and I felt like I could actually be around people again , and workout and eat right. 

So the first thing I do the next day is to go to the salon. I spent five hours getting my hair and nails done. The transformation was incredible, my hair looked all glossy and gorgeous, the brassy tone was gone, replaced with rich caramel and brown highlight. I hundred percent believed that Changing your hair can change your life. 
The next month was a blur of personal training and therapy sessions, I managed to get back in touch with my friends and they were there with open forgiving arms. turned out true friends will never judge you and will always be loyal to you even if you go all psycho and ghost them for weeks. 
One day I put on my old pair of jeans ( they fit, finally, I managed to lose most of the extra weight I gained) with a cropped cashmere sweater and some biker boots , I let my wavy hair down and put on the basics; red lipstick and eyeliner and went to have brunch with the girls at the avenues. 
The four of us meet at Gia , it was busier as ever since it was a saturday and everyone was here. We ordered our breakfast and people watch. 
“ zayoon tha3fty mashallah good job” my friend Munira says 
“ wai akheran ta3abt it was basically green juices and eggs!”
“ noo I can’t not have carbs”
So we talk about us and boys and diets and travel and I’m totally relaxed and chill. And I spot  this familiar gorgeous someone. Yoga guy. The table across from me with his family , parents, two women my age , sisters? Or wife ? No idea 
Our eyes locked for a moment and he smiled and I smiled back. 
* 3ash min shafich” I recieved a text   

Unsuitale 12

I once read the original fairytale ; the little mermaid , the tragic tale written by Hans Christian Andersen. Unlike the cheerful Disney version , the little mermaid doesn’t get the prince in the end , she loses her voice and dies heartbroken and sad. The story stayed with me long after I read it , it honored unrequited , pure love , the persistent love that continues quietly even as it unappreciated , unrecognized and unseen. 

People didn’t know how much I loved him , how much I gave him of my body and soul , to the world I was invisible just like the little mermaid ..people only celebrated the successful love that ends in marriage , but what about the more difficult kind of love? The noble , pure unrequited love? He betrayed me yet every cell in my body ached for him. I was a fool in love. 

I was being a total masochist in my grief , I stalked his and his wife’s social media to add salt to injury and asked friends of friends to send pictures of the happy couple. His arm was around her waist, both smiling happily to the camera. I was much softer and prettier than her yet he chose her…I wanted to shoot them and then shoot myself. 

I slept drowning in my tears and woke up to go to the loo and back to bed again. And it continued like that for the rest hundred days. I had zero energy for life he robbed that from me. 

I spent the entire day in bed sleeping and when I wasn’t sleeping I would eat my feelings away , I became so big even my pajamas didn’t fit. My mother finally confronted me and asked me to go see a therapist and hit the gym. That was the lowest point of my life. 

One day I woke up overweight and alone and I was finally sick of the vicious cycle I was in so I got up put on the only clothes that fit ( a hideous jumper and leggings) and went to see that therapist. 

I stopped for a Starbucks before my appointment and that simple old habit  cheered me slightly. I was waiting for my drink when I hear someone call my name. I turned around and there he was, the gorgeous guy from yoga. 

Shit. I was aware of my unwashed hair and everything else. “ hi!” i forced a smile. 

“ ahlan! How are you? Long time!”

“Yes “ I fake laughed “ el7emdella! And yourself?”

“ ebkhair el7emdella.. ma gemti teyen yoga ..”

“ ee wallah..been busy”

“ oh , come back 3ad khanshofich , fe class for yoga for stress elyom t3alay? I’ll go elyom”

“ I don’t think I can..” 

“ 3ayal do you mind if I take your number? Etha fe class aw shay we can go together”

What? “ o-okay” I gave him my number , aware of how different I must have looked to him. He must be feeling sorry for me thats the only reason for him giving me his number. “ enshofich 3ayal” 

I grabbed my venti mocha and headed to my car, my heart felt alive for the first time in months. 

I went to the therapist and she told me that I was depressed, hence the low energy and no shower and weight gain. The news hurt but at least I was ready to do something about it. 

In the shower I looked at my body naked and started crying. I put on so much fat in all the wrong places , the cellulite so evident around my thighs. Whatever happened to my skinny, blonde Elvira Hancock days? When he thought I resembled Michelle Pfeifer , where was that girl ? I missed her… 

Unsuitable 11

My heart began racing, I wasn’t ready to see him , I wanted to dissapear and at the same time I wanted him to see me and see how marvellous I looked. 

I sat down in a total trance, my heart ready to burst out of my chest. Shit I wasn’t ready. 

“ hii zayoon, shfech” my friend said. 

“ h-hala hala sara7t shwy”

“ shfech..”

“ he’s here..” I whispered 

“ who?”

“ Mu-“ I began when my friend’s squeel interrupted me “ HIiiiii “

We embrace and kiss while he watched in total awe. I thought. 

Ok He was totally watching us. 

So I observed the girl he was with. Black long hair, tanned, beautiful… I thought in resentment. She was tall and lovely , so unlike my pettite form and blonde hair. So unlike me. 

Her dress was tacky I hated it. He obviously thought otherwise. 

“ mino hathi?” i texted my friend. 

“ I dont know her really bes tqith, enti a7la” 

I wanted to wail. 

He laughed at something she said. His eyes were on her, but ocassionally he would steal glances at me. 

I felt so small and unwanted, I wanted to leave, go straight to bed and cry myself to sleep. But my friends wouldn’t let me. God I missed him…

Later on that night I tossed and turned , hoping for a text from him but I never received any. I cried myself to sleep dreaming about that dark haired girl and the worst case scenarios, one of him being married to her. 

The next morning I woke up to a hundred missed calls and texts. I read the first message slowly, my brain refusing to comprehend the text written “ اللهم بارك لهما و اجمع بينهما بالخير.."

I read it one, two, ten times , my forehead dripping with cold sweat, my hands shaking and my vision blurring..

Shit I was having a panic attack….

Unsuitable 10

I decided to google the cousin..his profile in linkedin appeared , he worked in finance, boring.. and a single photo from twitter and that was it. And then I googled Musaed and his parents and his sister and the whole family. I was pathetic. 

I woke up the next morning feeling rotten. Why did I do this to myself? Why was I obsessed over someone who didn’t want me? Why couldn’t I move on? I was a mess. And I couldn’t stop. At least not yet I had to torture myself first. 

I went to yoga after work. I wore a dusty rose leggings and matching set ; that complimented my skin tone (and my butt) and put my hair down (which proved to be a total fail in the end) anyway I saw him again that day and he totally ignored me in class but I could see him checking me out on the opposite mirror , he was a heterosexual guy after all, I thought..

When class was finished , I was in a bit of an emotional state , meditation got me all teary eyed so I head to the elevator, eyes blurry and he was there waiting. I enter without looking up. 

“How was class?” He asked 

“ amazing, she’s amazing”

“ sa7? “ 

I nodded , a fat tear rolling down my cheek. 

He laughed. “ tra ana I didn’t believe in yoga..kint a3ayib 3la elyoga o klish mo shakhseti aslan.. le lma sarli 7adith eb reeli o el doctor nisa7ni aro7 min yomha wana ma wagaft” 

“ oh, what kind of 7adith?”

“ my boat kind of butchered my foot..”

“ okh! Matshof sharr..” oh that baby foot of his! They must’ve given him the evil eye , I thought giggling suddenly. 

“ eshar mayeech.. betyeen class bachir?”

“ ee akeed”

“ Great, I’ll see you then enshallah”

That evening I came home feeling light and cheerful for the first time in weeks.. 

I showered and changed to meet the girls for dinner. I wore a blue silk dress that resembled Elvira Hancock’s iconic gown in scarface , if only he could see me now.. he would’ve loved it.. 

I stepped into the restaurant in my all my glorious blue silk and blonde waves and I saw him… with a woman…

Wow, I think I defied the odds of bumping into your ex looking like crap… 

Unsuitable 9

That night I ended up in the emergency room. I cried for hours and then my blood pressure dropped and I actually got physically sick. everything went blurry after that, I’m embarassed just thinking about it. I don’t recall the post break up phase all too well especially those first weeks but I  was one classy lady when it came to breakups;  I disappeared and never tried to call or text , I suffered in total silence not even mouthing a word about it to anyone. It killed me. 

And I lost tons of weight which was a good thing really. In those six weeks, I stayed in shabby PJs ordering take out every night and wallowing in self pity all the while waiting for him to text or call, I was dumb and hopeful. And I had crap nails and my roots were a disaster. One day, six weeks later  I decided to shower, put on something decent and go get my nails done. 

There was something so magical about salons .. the smell of nail laquer and a fresh blow dry and the soothing voice of the philipina nail lady who gives unrealistic love advice and lovely foot massages. 

I decided to have sushi with the girls instead of eating pizza on my couch. 

“ akheeran shifnach yl gaa63a”

“ wallah I didn’t leave my couch” I laughed

“ we know tara”

“ the whole city knows.., he left me” 

“ well thank you next! “ sarah said hotly 

“ nooo I quit dating khalas” 

“ you know what you need? Yoga!” maha suggested

“ I don’t know I’m not flexible..”

“ Zeinah honey you’re depressed.. you need to sweat! “

“ I’m not depressed” 

“ you are look at you all skinny and I’m jealous but you are!” sarah said. 

“ you are. Try a class okay? It will relax you wayid, I’ll book one for you “ 

So we talk about him a bit and then I tear up and they changed the subject and we talk about all the funny things and I laughed until I no longer feel like crying. 

So I went to that beginners yoga class. There was 3 of us girls and 3 men and I couldn’t help notice the guy in blue t shirt and shorts, he was yum and slightly familiar. The other thing I noticed was his heel it was as smooth as a baby’s.. ( He was facing me while stretching so..) 

So we finished class and I head to the elevator and I saw him there pressing on the elevator button. “ tfathilay, after you” he said 

“ thank you” 

I stand behind him in the elevator and observe. He was tall almost as tall as my gorgeous ex, his shoulders so broad and tanned and lovely , damn it who was he? 

I wouldn’t mind going to yoga everyday… 
That night I scrolled through instagram, stalking all the exes and I found him! The guy at yoga , he was Musaed’s cousin, my ex.. holly hell. 

Unsuitable 8

Okay this was a rollercoaster ride, not just this, our whole relationship , I barely had time to catch my breath , everything was moving too fast and I was already in too deep, I couldn’t save myself. 

I sat up on the bed and pretended to text when I heard him exiting the bathroom. “ ha zayon, na6lib 3asha?” 

I blushed, how could he be so cool about all of this. I was still shaking from our steamy encounter. “ ee 3adi” 

“ shno 3adi, shno mishtahya?” 

You…“ I don’t know, pizza?” 

He checked the app “ taben san ristorante? Their pizza is good” 

“ yes, okay” 

“ done, ta3alai nig3ad bl living room” 

We go sit on his posh sofa , in front of the smart tv. I settled close to his gorgeous arm, so dark and large next to my fair , small one. I put my head against his shoulder, I couldn’t help it, I needed to be closer to him. 

He kissed my head. “ I love your smell, a7isich bukhoora tamshi, wayid khaneena” 

I smiled. I better buy more of this Bukhoor. “ so shno n6ali3?”

“ want to watch Al pacino movies?” He loved Al Pacino , he told me how much he loved watching all things Al pacino growing up. 

“ scarface! Widi ashofa”

“ allaaah. Btw, Michelle Pfeiffer reminds me of you in that movie, the blonde hair, the lips ..” 

Omg really? “ noo she’s too gorgeous” 

“ don’t sell yourself short, you’re gorgeous too” 

I kissed his cheek on an impulse. “ don’t” he warned. We ate the pizza while watching Al Pacino and Michelle Pfeiffer ,it was all so dreamy. And I went home with his favorite race sweater that smelled so deliciously of him. 

I couldn’t believe my luck , the guy was too perfect and ours was one epic love story. I mean he cared about every detail about me… he even put softer tissues in his car because one time I hurt my nose with a hard tissue. 
One day He got so busy with work all week and went to his dowaniya everyday and left late , I slept without talking to him And I missed him so much because I got used to us being together all the time and We ended up having a row , he said that I was suffocating him and I was being too clingy I was shocked and I cried and hung up and he apologized with a long text asking me to forgive him and that he didn’t mean it and that he missed me more. The girls were coming to my place at around 8 that night and I was feeling too low about our fight. He called me at 7 asking me to meet him him. “ I’m in your area , I need to see you for a minute” 
I got into his car , my heart in my throat. “ here, your favorite chocolate croissant” he presented me with my favorite pain au chocolate and a coffee and a small bouquet of peonies , my favorite flowers. I teared up. “ wai a7ibik wayid wayid, walaht 3lek wayid wayid” 
“ me too o mo qasdi aza3lich , you’re my whole life zeinah , you’re my priority now..” 
After that amazing night I told the girls about him and they were all happy for me , I think. 
Something happened that night, I didn’t know what but he never called. I called him 4 times with no answer and then I slept , thinking he was busy with work or whatever. 
I woke up the next morning with a heavy heart, and a single text from him. “ when you wake up , call me we need to talk” 
My heart was pounding, this didn’t feel right, I knew something was wrong. 
“ aloo” I croaked , my voice panicky 
“ hala zeinah, this is the phone call you’ve been dreading” 
What? “ shino y3ni?” 
“ I think this is it” 
“ what do you mean?!”
“ I’m leaving for new york and I-“
“ I can come!”
“ no, I’m not ready”
“ but but you said that-“
“ I didn’t mean it Zeinah I’m sorry I’m shaking right now, I’m”
“Why?? What the fuck happened, you said you-“ 
“ I’m sorry, ana a7is eni makhnog akhthar minich I swear” 
“ you lied to me , you did all of these amazing things for what??? Was it all an act???”
“ No I swear Zeinah I love you, I haven’t known this feeling with anyone but you..”
“ but you’ve had enough”
“ no.. Zeinah our families they don’t-“
“ they don’t what?”
“ Zeinah your mother and my mother “
“ I can’t change my parents” I said hoarsely , I was getting trouble breathing 
“ baby I’m sorry”
“ you know what Musaed? Goodbye and goodluck” 
I hung up and crashed my phone against the wall , crying so hard right now, I could barely breathe. Shit, I think I’m dying  

Unsuitable 7

“ you’re so beautiful” he murmured while licking on my lips, and then before I could say something back he kissed me hard again while holding my head with his both hands. I was in his lap while he was on the driver’s seat, how the hell did that happen? Gues that’s a perk of being too small. “ I can’t move” I say against his lips

“ I’m sorry” he breaks our legendary kiss. “ want to go in the back?” 

I shouldn’t… “yes” 

We go sit in the back seat, me in his lap again. He kissed my nose “ love these freckles” and each eye and then he moved to my lips again, gentler this time.  

But that wasn’t enough I needed more. 

“ kiss me harder” I was totally slutty with him   

And he did kiss me , a lot. He eventually pulled away. “ fuck. You need to get off my lap.. you’re hurting me” 

“ oh”

“ if you don’t move away I might do something I’d regret” 

I blush. “ okay” 

He adjusted himself and went back to the driver seat. We stayed silent until I was at my beach house’s door. I was drained ..

“ I would have you all night” he whispered. My insides clutched so hard. Shit I was in love and lust, if only I could be in bed with him. 

“Goodnight Musaed” 

I went straight to my bedroom, curled in bed, not bothering to brush my teeth or wash my face. Spent. And in 10 minutes I was out. 

The next morning I woke drenched in sweats , I’ve been having sexy dreams all night about him. Damn that was a first. 

There was a couple of missed calls from him , I sent a good morning text and went to get ready for breakfast. 

I woke up in a good mood today, I felt loved and desired. I felt beautiful. The rest of the day was a blur , I drove home later on that afternoon , thinking about him all day. 

I was in love. I missed him when he didn’t text, I missed him while talking to him, it was insane, I wanted to be with him 24 hours if that wasn’t love I don’t know what is. 

Later on that evening we agreed on meeting. We couldn’t stay away from one another, it was ridiculous. I put on a leather jacked over my lululemons and a tank top. My hair in a ponytail. I didn’t wear makeup this time. 

We met in the free trade zone  (his suggestion) I refused at first but he told me he would show me something unforgettable. We sat on a bench in front of the sea and I was blown away. It was beautiful… and cold. I was shivering. He moved to sit closer to me , wrapping his arm around mine “ baby, you want my jacket?” 

“ no akhaf testabrid” 

He pulled me closer , I put my head against his shoulder, marvelling at the beauty that was the view before us. 

“ I can’t stop thinking about kissing you” 

I giggled “ fe nas tra” shockingly there was 

“ not here, I have an idea” 

He drove us to the parking of his house. This guy kept shocking me. 

 “ Abaaaih Musaed what if your parents saw us??”

“ no one at home” 

“ ga3id etbadi3”

 “ adry bs enti yananteni” 

“ ma sawait shy” 

A7ib wayhich bedon makeup” 

Those words again. Damn.  

“ you wanna come to my room? I fantasized about you in my bedroom btw..”

Omg. “ stop it..”

But I didn’t want him to stop… he was a smooth talking gorgeous addicting specimen

We stepped into the elevator leading to his bedroom. And he got closer to me, placing his hands on my butt cheeks “ I’ve always wanted to kiss in an elevator” shit. 

“ yeah?” Now I do too. That slutty talk again. 

“ fuck” he swears and bends down to claim my mouth in his. We kissed all the way to his living room , he picked me up and threw me over his sofa. “ fuck I want you” 

I was shocked of my body’s reaction to his. It was electrifying , it wasn’t enough , I wanted him on me, in me everywhere around me. 

But I had to stop. “ Musaed ..” I touched his shoulder. 

“ yes? “

“ we uh we have to stop” 

“ why?” He asked

“ because.. uh because I can’t sleep with you” 

“ oh , I won’t do something you don’t want” 

“ I want you to stop “ 

“ you sure?”

“ yes” 

“ ok , excuse me “ he went to the toilet and I lied down on my back panting. 

 

Unsuitable 6

It was new year’s eve and I was gonna spend it in Mina Abdullah, our beach house. I was preparing my overnight bag when he called. “ hala zayonti” 

“ hala habebi” 

“ shbetswen elyom?” 

“ shaleh m3a ahali o enta?”

“ oh .. wallah nothing, wain shalehkom?” 

I tell him the exact location.  “no party?” i teased 

“ you know I don’t party” 

Well thank god…

I hung up and went down to the kitchen when I see my mother. 

“ daraitay? Bint khaltich ghalia enkha6bat , mashallah egolon ehy t3rfa.. shofy min khathat wani3m elrijal “ 

“Oh mashallah, allah ewafegha”

“ wenti 3alamich?” 

What? 

“ laish m7d eyey e6ig elbab  o lamma a7d eyey tarfitheen?”

“ yumma shl kalam b3d ma nasiboni” 

“ etha t3rfen a7d goleli.. shkobrich sirty mnti sghera elreyayel mayabon w7da kbera tra” 

Oh fuck it. My mom was so damn old fashioned and annoying we’ve never gotten along 

“ yumma b3d ma yani niseeb shaswi” 

“ 6eya7 el7ath shlon gayel t3lmi min ghalia” 

I decided to shut it. It wouldn’t end well. I was more of a daddy’s girl, he was the softest, kindnest parent and I loved him to death, my mother not so much.. she was an old fashioned lady who married young and stayed at home to raise the kinds after graduating college. She disapproved of my choices. Being a 30 year old unmarried woman, while the rest of the girls in the family (younger than me) married with children. 

I loved my mother don’t get me wrong, we just don’t get along. 

I thought of Musaed. Would he pop the question? Did he want to marry me? I was to afraid to ask. 

That marriage thing kept me thinking all day, and I ended up having anxiety and a foul mood. I felt so low and so uncertain , why did she affect me so much? It was before 12 am, when I went to the bathroom to cry a little, the gathering was causing me more anxiety , what with ghalia getting married and eveyone presurring me to do something about my unmarried state. 

When I got out of the bathroom it was 12 and my phone was ringing. Musaed. 

I went outside to talk to him. “ hi” 

“ hi, happy new year”

“ happy new year” 

“Shfech?”

“ shfeni? “

“ your voice” 

“ ma feeni shay really” 

“ okay , wainich?” 

“ bl shaleh”

“ ee bra wla dakhil?”

“ bra obviously “ 

“ come outside” 

“ are you serious? Musaed noooo” 

“ yes” 

And I did!!  He was here! 

I went outside in the chilly december night , and their was his car. My throat clogged with unshed tears, damn I adored him. 

I got in the car and he drove us away“ i’ve missed you zayon” he reached for my hand and raised my fingers to his lips , kissing each finger. 

My heart fluttered. “ me too” 

He suddenly stopped the car, turned off the engine and looked at me. 

“ come here” 

I put my head on his chest , he was so warm and smelled soapy and amazing , I hated most heady men cologne, his was something else. 

He was in a dark dishdasha , his hair so thick and beautiful, his olive skin contrasting his amazingly white teeth , I loved every detail. 

He planted soft kisses over my head , smoothing my hair back slowly. “ shfeech?” 

“Nothing really” I whispered, chocking back on tears. 

“ tell me, galbi e3awerni laman ashofich z3lana” 

“ its nothing, inner struggles”

“ you don’t have to struggle alone”. 

“ it’ll be fine” 

“ ra7 tgoleli eventually ok?”

“ ok” I lied. 

“ zayoona.. Kil mra ashofich feha kan wdi I kiss you, enti tadren ahkithir I’m attracted to you , adry enich tadren.. bes ana ni6art 3shan tkon our first kiss memorably, emswi 7araka y3ni bil new year” he brushed his thumb against my lower lip. 

I giggled and blushed crimson red but he was already getting close, kissing the corner of my mouth and whispering “ I love your laugh, and your teeth and your smile” 

He kissed my upper lip and then the lower before sucking both in his mouth while murmuring things I didn’t care to catch and then everything happened so fast..I was on his lap my tongue interwined in his and  the whole universe illuminated with tiny butterflies…. 

Shit. 

Unsuitable 2

We locked eyes …and boy was it scorching .. his eyes were so black and so serious , he reminded me of someone.. a movie star maybe, I couldn’t recall , my heart was pounding so hard, the piece of bread stuck in my throat. 

And then it was over. He looked away, leaving me bereft. Was this real? Was I turned on? Was this pure lust? I could feel a bead of sweat trickling down my back. Ew. 

“ Musaed , pass the salt” oh what a beautiful name. 

“ Muased and zeina” I try the names together in my head

“Zayon, what’s the name of that diet watchers company? Tharori rejeem b3d el safra” my friend says

“ hmm? Um ee I’ll instagram it to you”

“ shoug , 9 o’clock the guy in white” sarah my other friend whispers “ he’s staring”

I gulp. He is. 

“ so um tell me about him”

“ he’s mysterious elsaraha bes I know that he’s rarely ever in kuwait he manages his businesses in new york , mashallah multi millionaire, he’s 35, hmm what else eeh ma ya36i waih so don’t try”

“ shabi feh bes legafa” I lied “ so laish only foreign girls?” 

“ ymkn ma e7ib local girls”

“ 7aselaaah” shoug chimes in 

i laugh 

We finish dinner and the music gets louder and the whole place goes dim and lovely. I want to dance , I need to move..

So I start to sway a little in my seat and then I get up and move my hips and suddenly I’m putting on a show while my friends clap and cheer , all the while mr sexy staring and smokes his cigar and smokes and smokes ..

I’m all sweaty and giddy , I reach for a glass of sparkling water , and look at Musaed, he’s whispering in the woman’s ear. Ok , Maybe I imagined the whole staring contest thing. Screw him.

It was past 2 Am , I was exhausted, my Gianvito Rossi heels were killing me and I needed to lie down“ ha mishaina?”

“ yalla , ma a7ib as’har ziada , 3ashan engom early bachir “ my friend says. 

So we leave the restaurant and Musaed behind. 

….

I don’t see him after that for the next 3 days. On the 4th day a miracle happens.. my toilet stops working and I go down to talk to the reception about it, I look my absolute worst , very pale ( I have iron deficiency) and I was in my horrendous lounge wear ( a worn out pale gray cotton set with a matching robe) 

I was in a heated argument with the receptionist for being a complete asshole about the whole toilet situation when I hear him. 

“ law samahti , 3afwan.. you can use my bathroom” 

Omg. What? Omg .. 

“ oh laa laa 3adi enshallah esal7ona, wai fashla” I giggle nervously , cringeing so hard on the inside. Omg zeina you disgusting thing. If there was a chance of him ever wanting me this was the end of it. 

“ I’m serious you and your friend can use it, afa bs” 

I end up actually using his bathroom and holy shit he appearantly resides in the presidential suite. So fancy , I want to shower in his bathroom..

So I thank him and say goodbye forefever. 

But the universe had other plans …

“ that was quite the performance last night’”

Omg. Really???? 

I laugh “ thank you” 

“ extraordinary “

Omg he thinks I’m extraordinary 

“ here’s my business card, if you need anything” 

Oh. “ text me, I suddenly say” I was being slutty, too forward.. but there wasn’t time to play hard to get, we’re leaving in a couple of days. 

He smiles. And his whole face lights up.. he was gorgeous, softer when he smiled, his face almost boyish. 

“ i will” he says and hands me his phone to write down my number. 

My hands shaking, I carefully type my number and hands him back the phone. 

Omg omg it’s done!! 

Unsuitable 5

He walked me to my car and I noticed how tall he was , almost six feet making me feel so small and vulnerable in my mere 5 feet 1 inch height. How easily  he could crush me..

He was in dishdasha and ghutra, his work attire, he didn’t have time to change , yet he looked and smelled amazing . He had a lovely beauty mark near his lip that reminded me of Wael Kufouri’s and another one on his neck. I visualized putting my lips over it. My attraction to him was insane. 

He opened my car door for me and I pumbed into his hard body “ deerai balich bil darb zeinah..” I wished that he would kiss me. He brushed my arm and stepped away. 

Damn it. 

I drove the whole way home listening to Wael Kufori 

I spent the entire night talking to him, sweet nothings until 3 in the morning , we were both late to work but we were giddy with the feeling of a new love and little sleep. He woke me in the morning with a beautiful text “ ma tetwaqe3ain shkithir wujodich sa3ada eb 7ayati 7aleyan, wayid minshiri7 minich, hl shu3or ma yenshara b floos, min zimam ma 7asait eb hl e7sas”

“ aww thats so sweet, sij sij sabah alkhair!” 

“ gumt ad3i b kil salat enna allah etamim” 

Oh my god was that too soon? “ allah etamim 3lek minshiri7 with or without me”

“ with you enshallah”

That was how our relationship went for the next 4 weeks, he would send me gorgeous flowers every week.. buy me foods that I love, talking to me all day and all night. We got so close in such a short time and I knew deep down that fast things end fast yet I didn’t slow down I was already in too deep. 

He took me to the track and I rode in the car with him, it was crazy fast and I cried and he found it adorable and hugged me hard and kissed my helmet covered head. That was a first real touch between us. He never tried to touch me, not even my hand before. When it was over I sat over his gorgeous one of a kind race car while he was standing before me, his hands on my hips. 

“ estanastay?” 

“ I’d rather watch you , ma ra7 arkb weyak again!” 

He laughed “ eshda3waaah wallah mu dayis 3ashanich” 

“ kil hatha mu dayis!”

“ taben nerkab o a3lmch shlon adoos?” He joked 

“ erkab bro7ik” 

He laughed “ you make me laugh so much, I love you” 

He blurted out so fast that we both got startled 

“ I… I think I do” 

“ Muased…. It’s so soon .. maybe you’re infatuated “ 

“ infatuated b3d shno, bagolich shy ana ma 7set b hl e7sas min zman , astanis m3ach o olah 3lech o a6la3 min eldowaneya 3ashan aklmch le lma tnamen o lma tnamen olah 3lech wayid o akhaf 3lech o a7ateech o you’re the only thing I think about! Literally the only fucking thing. La tgoleli infatuated yl 7aqeera just accept it”. Oh wow 

“ I ..I think I love you too and.. I’ve always been an independent woman I didn’t need anyone but now please take care of me I’m so tired of doing it alone, can you do that?”

“ yes baby. I can and I will” 

And at that moment I let my guard down and decided to trust him. 

Unsuitable 4

It’s been a very long time since I last dated… I spent the whole day preparing starting with my hair and nails. I decided to paint them a classic red and blow dry my blonde locks. I even shopped for a new outfit…I settled for a sleevless black dress, with black valentino studded chunky flats and a mini bag. I looked expensive. I wore a pair of ruby studs and a watch, keeping it minimal. I didn’t cover my freckles with foundation this once, he told me he loved them..

We met in a this empty sushi place. I’m so glad that he changed his mind about coffee and decided to go for dinner instead. It was a legit date. 

“ yah yah yah, shl zain..zeinah” he said and I laughed, blushing.  So precious. 

“ thank you , bi3yonik”

“ atwaqa3 bi3yon elkil bs ana 7aleyan mas7oor” 

“ really?”

“I thought about you a lot”

“ but you never texted”

“ I was caught up with family and work.. I swear”

“ I understand. What do you want from me? Tell me..”

“ I want to be with you..”

“ but .. but I heard things about you”

“ ask me. I’ll never lie to you”

“ is it true that you date models?”

He smiled “ no”

“ but-“

“ trust me. I have nothing to hide, I have friends of partners abroad and they require entertaining , it’s just work. “

“ okay..”

“ what else?”

“ why aren’t you married yet?”

“ I almost did once. Mallah kitab.. why aren’t you?”

“ it’s different for us girls..”

“ were you ever with someone?”

“ who hasn’t?”

“ what would you do if I told you that I’m leaving for new york for a year?”

“ I would .. miss you”

“ why not ask me to take you with?”

“ is- is that a possibility?”

“ Yes”

Oh my god. This guy wants a seriously relationship with me!! 

“ Zeinah , I had my eyes on you min ziman.. shiftich min ziman, bs dashaiti galbi lma regasti , wayid damich khafef o wayid 6abi3iya” 

Dying here. DYING 

And then we talked for hours and the time went by so fast I almost felt sad that our date ended so soon. I now know that he was the eldest, had two sisters , one my age , the other older and married. He was close to his father. He loved the dessert (shocking). He owned stables and other less interesting stuff. He asked me if I wanted to ride a horse and told me that he was a racer. That he raced in kuwait and the gulf sometimes. He loved speed and everything about cars. Sexy. 

He asked me to join him in the track! To watch him race and get in the car with him! The idea was so dangerous and exciting I eventually said yes. 

“ I would risk you being seen by my race buddies… “ he said. 

“ noo akhaf a7d e3arifni!”

“ don’t worry we won’t take your helmet off”

“ can I have a pink one”

“ done. But I have to measure you head” he smiled 

I blushed. 

It was perfect. He was perfect

Unsuitable 3

I itched to text him. It was 8 hours later, we were heading to dinner and no text or call from him. I was disappointed I didn’t want to initiate. I confided in shouq, the one closest to me in our group and she gave me her blessing. “ girl you’re lucky that guy is unattainable, I know this friend of a friend who tried and got rejected and I heard that he jilted his one true love right after promising to marry her.. be careful or be smart, don’t get attach to him, enjoy him and then leave him “

The only problem is that I love a challenge and the second problem is that I hardly ever like someone this much. I don’t know what it was that drew me to him beside his looks. 

“ he didn’t text, should I?” i finally asked my friend 

“ please do, you’ve been distracted throughout dinner, you barely ate a thing, kesarti kha6ri” 

“ oh shut up, I’m just so full from breakfast” I lied

And I did.

“ hello :)” I sent

No answer. Until 3 am when I was in bed unable to sleep. 

“ halla walla “

“ you’re awake..” I texted  barely a minute later. Loser. 

“ ee wallah ..enti shemga3dich?”

“ had too much caffeine “

“ bil 3afya , can you call?”

Sure!! “ yes” 

And then he called me and I almost swooned. I loved his voice, it’s too rough and his accent was just like my late grandfather’s , I adored it, he belonged in a different time.. in the sixties I thought. And said something about it and he laughed ,he told me that he was close to his grandfather and that he always corrected his speech that what made him sound so ancient . And what surprised me the most was that he was so old fashioned. I thought he was too fancy but deep down he wasn’t .. he preferred wearing a dishdasha over the clothes (that didn’t fit) earlier he said that he lived his life abroad because of his work but he longed to settle in kuwait and I loved that. He was perfect. 

“ ma a7ib atkalam englaizi” he says to me and I laughed because I do a lot. I can’t help it.

“ btw your freckles are very attractive” he said. 

“ m-my freckles?” i hated them so much!!!! 

“ yes the other day. You were beautiful”

“ laa I was tried I usually look better please don’t judge haha”

“ you looked pretty amazing” 

Omg I’m dying inside… he thought I looked amazing 

“ thank you” my heart was pounding and no idea why I felt like tearing up. 

And then he had to go and I was leaving the next day. 

“ ra7 arja3 el kuwait 7g shahar, we’ll meet enshallah, if you need anything let me know”

I went back home , back to my normal non glamurous routine. Work, gym, the ocassional coffee outing and chalet in the weekends. In the beginning he barely ever texted and I stopped trying. 

But one day he called me before bedtime out of nowhere after 2 weeks of nothing and I picked up, because I couldn’t not to..

“ hala zeina” 

“ hala Musaed” my face was hot. 

“ how are you , ma agdr a6awil 3lech but can you have coffee with me tomorrow?”

“ yes” my voice was shaking. 

“ great, I’ve to go..sweet dreams”