Yours truly -moi
Saturday, 6 August 2016
Sunday, 15 May 2016
Major dissapointment. And I wasn't even hopeful. Suddenly my new found confidence of this morning vanished. I felt so small, merely passaple,insignificant..and he wasn't even trying to make me feel all those things. He didn't do anything.
A fat hot tear escaped my left eye landing on my cheek " oh"
I guess I thought It wouldn't hurt this much anymore, I guess I forgot how deeply in love I was with him, how his good looks and intelligence already made me feel less. And now the fact That another woman ,who is probably smarter and more interesting captures his heart added to it all.
I never really thought less of myself, I'd always felt content and happy with the way I looked, my upbringing and education..Funny how one person can change that fact and affect one deeply.
More hot, burning tears. I blindly reached for my phone and sent him a text. I clearly was using him and I didn't care.
* I want to see you*
*you will tonight*
* you okay?*
* yes. No*
* we'll talk about it tonight ok? I got training*
Of course. I threw my phone away and layed down on the bed , A little nap would have to do since the rebound guy can't be of use right now.
I blew my nose , popped a nice little anti depressant and was lost to the world.
I awoke hours later, head pounding from all the crying and well the long sleep. I rushed to the bathroom to wash up and get ready for the race. Husband was MIA. Surprise.
Fourty minutes later I was in distressed , butt flattering jeans, a white v neck tee and stella mccartney Elyse platform shoes. I spent extra ten minutes perfecting my feline eyeliner and powdered my nose. I grabbed my purse and my car keys and left.
It was my very first time attending a car race and oh boy was it delightful! The adrenaline-pumped atmosphere, the amount of youth cheering and clamoring and the whole excitement of it. it was all too contagious ; My heart rate quickly escalating, the fear factor along with the awareness that a bunch of hot guys were going fast with sexy race cars was just addictive.
And then someone announced something and I could spot a bunch of men in racing overalls and helmets running towards their tiny cars and the race began. The crowd went wild.
He won. Of course he did. And something else happened that night too; I kind of developed a serious crush on him. Maybe it was his tall, muscular form in the racing overalls, his thick hair sticking to his head from sweat or the fact that he smiled at me and a single dimple popped in his right cheek. I'm sure it wasn't that superficial but god I couldn't stop thinking about him.
That was one brief not so personal encounter , a quick hi and a nod and then he left. I was a little dissapointed honestly but I understood, he had to celebrate or accept an award or something. I was in awe of him. Strange.
An hour later when the whole thing was over I went to my car, banishing any hopes of seeing him again. I dropped down on the seat and started the engine. Nothing. I tried again harder but it wouldn't come to life. Oh shit shit shit. I obviously had a dead battery.
I emmediately called The husband of the year. Surprisingly, he didn't pick him. I tried his number three more times. Nothing. Cold fury grabbed hold of my chest travelling to brain and blinding me with it. My hands shook violently, I was so pissed I saw red, why the fuck didn't he pick up??? Who was I supposed to call?? It was eleven fucking o'clock and he didn't bother to even call and ask about my whereabouts. The hot pressure of tears behind my eyes began to choke me, clogging my throat. No, no , no I wasn't going go cry for someone who didn't deserve my tears.
I fumbled with my phone and my eyes landed on his number. Was I this desperate? Before I even managed to answer to that thought, my shaking hands were dialling his number. I was alone and stranded in a dark parking lot, of course I was desperate.
" hala" on the second ring.
" sorry to bother but I think I've a dead battery" my voice was small, a little timid.
" wainich? Lock your doors. Coming now"
I sighed in relief. Sweat gathering between my breats, at my hairline and under arms. Shit.
Five minutes later he tapped on my windshield still in his sexy overalls.
My heart thudded in my chest. I gulped and rolled down the window.
" haa 3asa ma sharr?"
" my car won't start " my voice all shaky and strange to me.
"Basee6a I'll fix it enshallah"
I nodded and he went to work, connecting our cars with cables and stuff . I watched him silently, my sudden awareness of him intensifying..was his hair always this thick? Was he always this gorgeously tall and fit? Even his ass looked fine. Shit, this wasn't good.
" try to start it now" He finally announced.
And it did work because he's obviously good with his hands. I blushed.
" thank you you saved me!" I said.
" any time" that dimple popped again. Shit, shit, shit.
We said together and laughed awkwardly.
" you have to go" he said , frowning.
" yes, I ..I'm still not sure what you want from me"
" isn't it obvious? "
" is this really a good time?"
" no but you have to understand where I come from. I'm a good girl "
" I know you are!" He said fiercely. " shaikha, this isn't about me using you or anything I just..its a long story ok? Want to talk tonight? I'll tell you everything"
When I returned back home, asshole's car was already there and that only intensified my anger and dissapointment.
He was there all along, how come he never checked his phone?! Wasn't he always texting his whore?
Fuming, I took the lift and stormed into the apartment. He was in that blasted divan , lying down.
" laish ma trid?" I said, barely containing my incredible hulk fury.
" na3am? Shfech dasha chethy" he sat up slowly.
" Laish ma radat 3la my zillion phonecalls???" Ok I lost it.
" shtaben y3ni? I was busy"
" busy watching tv?!?? Sayarti kanat wagfa ma dagait 3lek ela l2na mako a7ad eyey eshof eshsalfat elkhara-" shit I totally lost it.
His face changed now, guilt masking his hard , cold features.
" I didn't know that.., shaikha I.., who fixed it?"
" some gentleman , a total stranger. Thank you very much maby minik shay" I choked on a sob and fled to the bedroom.
I was hurt. He didn't give a rat's ass about me , he had absolutely no feelings whatsoever for me, even that slight respect was gone. I lost all respect for him, he wasnt man enough, he didnt care. I'm over this so over this. I let the sobs take over lying on the bed with my shoes and purse and all.
A minute later I heard the door knob turning and then heavy human weight shifting the bed. What now?
His hand reached for my back , shocking me , was he really apologizing?
I flinched and moved away.
" I'm sorry shayookhi" what??! He never calls me anything like that! He must be feeling awfully guilty. I stilled and he moved closer , I could feel his warmth pressing against me. His fingers brushed my golden strands softly, moving it away from my neck. " I'm sorry babe" he whispered in my eyes and kissed my neck.
It felt good, so good .
Will shaikha end up with Mubarak or Abdulwahab? Vote.
Monday, 25 April 2016
10 minutes passed and I was still staring at his text message. The strange thing was that he obviously knew who I was.. How did he know my number? And he acted all honorable when I mentioned my marriage and now he seemed more than eager to text.
*already regretting it?* I jumped when I recieved the second message , okay this was too late I initiated this, I might as well finish it.
* no. How are you?* I sent, feeling less like myself, my self image dimming fast through my eyes.
* didnt expect you to text. I'm glad*
*want a piece of shaikha pie *
* seriously, I like you, you intrigue me*
My stomach flipped. I intrigued him? Warmth spread throughout my entire body, it's been a long time Since someone last gave me his full and undivided attention. It felt nice.
* you don't even know me*
* I want to know everything, I have all night..*
* what do you want to know? I want to know things too*
* I'm 30. I drive for a living. I love beauty*
A minute later he sent me a picture of himself with the whole professional driving gear and helmet and one hell of a sexy race car.
*oh. No experience whatsoever eb hl sowalif.. I still don't know what you want from me*
* I want to be your friend*
* no you dont. What do you want?*
* you. I want to be your friend and get to know you. Simple*
* you dont mind the fact that I'm unavailable?*
* you didnt give me that impression. Besides all I want is friendship for now*
I was all sweat by now. I didn't know what to say to him really, my husband was snoring right beside me and I was texting another man I barely knew.
* I better get to bed*
I turned my phone off, popped a sleeping pill and attempted to sleep. My buzzing mind keeping me from rest.
When I woke up the next morning , Mubarak was already gone. Of course.
My stomach dipped when I opened my phone and saw two texts from the mysterious guy.
*ok. Sleep tight*
I sighed and deleted the texts. And then I did a full google search on him. Wow, he really was something in that strange world of racing I knew nothing about. I was suddenly interested in knowing about the races. His social media accounts were now saved in my phone, plus a couple of pictures of him in his driving gear/suit with his racing car. My recklessnes continued with another google search of a certain ugly marriage wrecker. The bitch.
I showered, curled my hair to perfection and put on a sky blue sundress. Looking like shit won't make me feel any better about myself and sure as hell won't bring my husband back to me;that's why I put on extra effort with my looks today.
By the time I was finished getting ready it was already past one and I'd made plans with some friends for lunch. Again, willowing in self pity and shutting everyone out won't make things better..
Just when I was about to park in our favorite dining spot , I recieved a whatsapp. Oh god, it was him again! I gulped.
* hey * one word. That was safe yet I felt all prickly and guilty and weird.
Damn it Shaikha! You should feel guilty...
My fingers obviously had a mind of their own because I found myself sending back *hey*
I dropped my phone in my purse, turned off the ignition and got out of the car.
I won't check my phone, I won't check my phone, I WONT CHECK MY DAMN PHONE!
Phew, a lucky distraction. I waved back at my friend, give her a quick hug and we head inside the restaurant, chattering all the way through.
Friends are great; they do make you forget your reality for a while. And it's been a long time since I last really hung out with my favorite group..I guess I got really distracted with the whole wedding thing. What a waste.
We ate and laughed and talked and it was really great , plus I didn't check my phone once , Not that I didn't think about it, but I kinda wanted to make him wait..and I also wanted , really wanted to get a text from my husband.
Unfortunately there was none from Mubarak and a couple from sexy stranger. I sat in my car and stared at his texts for minutes too long.
* how are you?*
* I've a race today, wish me luck*
* I've never been to one* I finally replied back. * and goodluck*
* really?* He replied immediately * want to see your first race?*
Yes! * yes*
* ok, I'll arrange a good seat for you and I'll send you the location*
* great. Thank u*
Oh my god. A car race! I don't recognize myself anymore..
When I arrived back to the apartment , mubarak was there lying on the L shaped sofa, remote control in one hand. He looked yummy , I sighed in defeat.
The sound of my heels made him turn his head my way, his eyes lingering on my legs. I felt heat gathering in the pit of my stomach, damn him for making me feel this way.
And then he nodded breifly and turned back to his documentary , as If I didn't exist..
Sunday, 24 April 2016
Sunday, 27 December 2015
Friday, 18 December 2015
Head resting against the wheel, I tried to even out my ragged breathing. Another panic attack and this time a witness. I hated the attacks, they made me feel weak and helpless and he's the one to blame.
No your weakness caused this. Shit , now the little voice in my head was being a bitch too.
I needed my bed.
I woke up hours later , head pounding , disoriented , my iphone blaring with text messages. I sat up straight and reached for it. 15 messages from my closest friends in our whatsapp group.
Mariam: a little birdie told me you are in town, shaikha!!
Sabeeka: what? Already?
Nouf: omg! Shayoooookh u back?
And more messages. My stomach flipped nervously, kuwait was so small, everyone knew everything and I couldn't hide anymore, couldnt tell the truth either, i had to come up with a convincing lie.
* yes babies Unfortunately I'm back, husband has urgent work :(*
Wow, lying was easy, and I've yet to master it since I was going to do it for a long time until this "issue" was resolved. I sighed and flopped back down the soft mattress.
Another text message, this time from non other than the husband.
* I'm back, need to see you asap*
Screw him! My nerves were practically distroyed and now this, I couldnt take all this stress anymore, it was starting to jeopardize my mental and physical health and truly ruin my skin, long gone the baby softnes I've spend thousands to achieve. I had to sort this out before it killed me.
* come to my family's house, now* I replied straight away.
Less than thirty minutes later, he arrived, all travel disheveled and looking even sexier than the last I saw him, damn his good looks, if he was balding and short and round it would be much easier to leave him.
" shaikha, I'm not here to give you divorce, so I'm telling you, dont even think about it . This will not make either of us look good, my mother and yours as well won't make this easy for you if I ever accept to divorce you , so you might as well remove that idea from your head and pack your stuff to come with me"
Fury was an underestatement. If I was furious and hurt and bitter before, I was murderous now! That's it I'll murder him in his sleep and spend the rest of my life in a psyche ward.
I took a deep breath. " and then what?"
" and then you live like a queen. You get whatever you want"
Again with the shit talk. I wanted attention and love and sex and passion, not this! But, what if he was right? What if all marriages were based on lies and other women and cheating and ugliness? What if I was delusional and khaleeji men werent capable of fidelity?
Besides divorce was a mess, especially if the other party wasn't willing to cooperate. I sighed, things were appearantly going as he planned.
I sighed in defeat. " fine. I'll pack my bags"
" thank you" he exhaled loudly, and kissed the top of my head totally taking me by surprise.
My suitcase was ready since I barely had time to unpack thank god, I wasn't in the mood to concentrate.
Our sea view apartment exceeded my expectations , the exclusive residence had only foreigners policy but obviously the husband had his ways. eveything was luxurious and modern it was vogue decor kind of pretty. At least he had money, I thought gloomily.
I stared out the window at the vivid blue swimming pool and tennis court , I could get used to that...
By the time I finished unpacking and getting most of my stuff out I was exhausted and it was past 7 pm. He was still working on his laptop, checking his phone frequently. We barely exchanged any words.
" you hungry?" He asked.
" Not really" I said, warily. He was trying so hard to act normal, this was far from normal, I only agreed to stay with him for the sake of my own sanity and because I've decided that I'm going to make his life a living hell or Even better I'll make him love me even if I died trying.
" I'll order takeout" He announced. " italian? Sushi? Whatever you want"
" yes" I said distractedly
I could feel his gaze at me, I ignored and headed to the bathroom to take a calming bubble bath.
Damn, it was gorgeous. All glass and sparkly torquoise...and spacious! I could spend all day here. The bath tub seperated from the shower box, both looking tempting, I opted for a quick shower first and then I had to christen that bath!
Loud knocking on the door woke me up from my dreamless sleep. Shit, I must have slept in the tub.
" Shaikha?" Mubarak's head appeared from behind the door. " it's been almost an hour"
" I must have slept" I rubbed my eyes, voice all husky.
My skin was all wrinkly like a 90 year old, and the water was now cold. Urgh , I was freezing.
" need help?" He asked, his color deepening.
" it's okay, I'll be out in a minute" I wasn't going to let him see me naked.
We ate in awkward silence around the huge glass table. He ate ravenously, Not bothering with conversation, he must be as tired as I was. I played with the food in my plate , my mind miles away. Suddenly my thoughts wandered toward a dangerous route; the stranger With the smoldering eyes I met yesterday. The mystery behind it all. What happend at the airplane? Why was he so interested in me? I looked like a corpse recently, not bothering with makeup or even doing my hair.
Two hous later I was in bed , hands shaking while holding my phone. My heart was thumbing so hard, breath ragged; I was going to have another panic attack this time because I just sent that stranger a text message.
Just because my husband was a cheating bastard , I wasn't going to stoop to his level and do the same. But it was too late now because I'd already texted him.
" hello there" less than a minute later.
Omg omg omg ...
Wednesday, 16 December 2015
Hello gorgeous readers! i'm back for real and I'm to start posting regularly, been travelling all year long and it's hard to keep up with blogging! Anyways I'm going to publish a new part tonight enshallaa but I want you guys to support my other new personal blog/journal where I'm going to write non-fiction ,aaand I need your support!
Follow and read my other blog https://medium.com/@queenzenobia
Thank you xoxo