I once read the original fairytale ; the little mermaid , the tragic tale written by Hans Christian Andersen. Unlike the cheerful Disney version , the little mermaid doesn’t get the prince in the end , she loses her voice and dies heartbroken and sad. The story stayed with me long after I read it , it honored unrequited , pure love , the persistent love that continues quietly even as it unappreciated , unrecognized and unseen.
People didn’t know how much I loved him , how much I gave him of my body and soul , to the world I was invisible just like the little mermaid ..people only celebrated the successful love that ends in marriage , but what about the more difficult kind of love? The noble , pure unrequited love? He betrayed me yet every cell in my body ached for him. I was a fool in love.
I was being a total masochist in my grief , I stalked his and his wife’s social media to add salt to injury and asked friends of friends to send pictures of the happy couple. His arm was around her waist, both smiling happily to the camera. I was much softer and prettier than her yet he chose her…I wanted to shoot them and then shoot myself.
I slept drowning in my tears and woke up to go to the loo and back to bed again. And it continued like that for the rest hundred days. I had zero energy for life he robbed that from me.
I spent the entire day in bed sleeping and when I wasn’t sleeping I would eat my feelings away , I became so big even my pajamas didn’t fit. My mother finally confronted me and asked me to go see a therapist and hit the gym. That was the lowest point of my life.
One day I woke up overweight and alone and I was finally sick of the vicious cycle I was in so I got up put on the only clothes that fit ( a hideous jumper and leggings) and went to see that therapist.
I stopped for a Starbucks before my appointment and that simple old habit cheered me slightly. I was waiting for my drink when I hear someone call my name. I turned around and there he was, the gorgeous guy from yoga.
Shit. I was aware of my unwashed hair and everything else. “ hi!” i forced a smile.
“ ahlan! How are you? Long time!”
“Yes “ I fake laughed “ el7emdella! And yourself?”
“ ebkhair el7emdella.. ma gemti teyen yoga ..”
“ ee wallah..been busy”
“ oh , come back 3ad khanshofich , fe class for yoga for stress elyom t3alay? I’ll go elyom”
“ I don’t think I can..”
“ 3ayal do you mind if I take your number? Etha fe class aw shay we can go together”
What? “ o-okay” I gave him my number , aware of how different I must have looked to him. He must be feeling sorry for me thats the only reason for him giving me his number. “ enshofich 3ayal”
I grabbed my venti mocha and headed to my car, my heart felt alive for the first time in months.
I went to the therapist and she told me that I was depressed, hence the low energy and no shower and weight gain. The news hurt but at least I was ready to do something about it.
In the shower I looked at my body naked and started crying. I put on so much fat in all the wrong places , the cellulite so evident around my thighs. Whatever happened to my skinny, blonde Elvira Hancock days? When he thought I resembled Michelle Pfeifer , where was that girl ? I missed her…
