Unsuitable 14

I don’t even remember sharing my number! My cheeks grew hot, now idea why I’m blushing. 

*?* I send  to make sure. 

He waved. Oh my god he waved! In front of his folks. I waved back. 

*ahlan!, 3ashat ayamik*

“ who’s that cupcake?” My friend asks

I giggle “ sa7? Long story magdr agol al7en” 

* bil3afya* I send , suddenly feeling adventurous *what’s your name again?*

I saw him smiling while typing * afa! Mat3arfen esmi?. Esmi hamad and you are zeinah right?*

* right 😃* I send back. 

It was true I forgot his first name. Hamad. Cute. 

* elso2al el aham shino kalaitai?*

I giggled again * granola and yogurt, u?*

* baas? That’s not food , kil khair baith, khobiz , knt abi fool bs maybe3on*

I can’t stop smiling! Dammah khafeef! * eee abi ath3af*

* why?*

* because I’m over weight..*

* u serious? You’re fine * oh. He doesn’t think I’m fat?

* thank u lol* 

And then we continued to text back and forth until he left with his family. I was smiling the whole entire time , I didn’t particularly feel any attraction towards him it was just that he made laugh and conversing with him was so effortles it was like talking to an old familiar friend. 

When I went back home I felt oddly okay. Not exactly happy but okay. The heavy  weight I felt on my chest for the hundred past days felt lighter , almost not there..it must be the anti depressants. 

That night I decided to pass by my deceased grandmother’s old house. She passed away three years ago and it still hurt the same. I was her favorite grand child; I even looked like her and acted like her. My dad used to always say to me “ it’s like looking at my mother” , the resemblance was uncanny and I loved it , because I aspired to be like her , she was so classy and educated and generous and she loved her children and her country and people and life. I wanted to be like her in every way  

The indian gate keeper opened the door for me and I went inside the huge old fashioned house, still looking the same, abandoned and untouched.  

I went straight to my grandmother’s chamber ;  I sat on her bed and smelled the sheets , it oddly still smelled like musk and shalimar ;her favorite scent. I fell asleep cocooned in her floral lacey bed sheets. 

The next week went on a blur, I stopped receiving texts from Hamad and I totally forgot about him until that fateful night.

I went to Julaia, my cousin’s beach house to chill for the weekend , it was just us girls , the cousins and their closest friends. Just like the old times .

We were watching pulp fiction on a projector around the pool, the weather was warm and lovely and for a very long time I was actually empty headed, no dark thoughts ,  no happy thoughts. Just plain numbness and it was okay  

“ el shalaih eli yam eli yamkom shalaih my crush” my cousin’s friend suddenly said  

“ whoo?” The girls echoed

“ wa7id min ziman akhiza “ she giggled “ and Then I stalked his social media and found out stuff” 

“ and?” 

“ and I love him” 

I laughed “ aww, sawai shy enzain! “

“ I don’t know mali khelg..”

“ let’s go walk jbal shalehom” my cousin suggested

“ noooo”

“ yes”

“ tara yeerana min sneen ma7ad ra7 yestaghrib”

And she finally conceded

So we went for a walk next to their beach house and luckily for her the boys were sitting outside , a bunch of them watching a soccer game ..

I didn’t look up because I honestly didn’t care to see anyone or be seen. So We walked passed them and my phone beeped with a text. 

“ okh 6ala3ti yaratna “ -Hamad 

 

Unsuitable 13

Once I took that first shower , I felt actually better. At least I smelled like myself again and I put on the effort to burn a chunk of Bukhor , which reminded me how much he loved that smell on me and it hurt;  the memory but I didn’t cry. I think I’m out of tears. Victory. Yay 

I asked the cook for a hot chocolate and settled on my sofa wrapped up in a clean blanket. I needed to communicate with friends. I texted a couple of my closest friends and that one guy who’s always there even if you never really dated. 

“ uff min wain 6al3a” Hamad replied back almost immediately Making me smile. 

“ miss me?”

“ akeed!” He replied. We’ve always been like this , playful and flirtatious, it was harmless, really he was always with someone ( different , he was the biggest player) and I liked to use him whenever I felt lonely. He was fine with it. 

“ me too, give me a reason to get up from my sofa?”

“ come to my sofa we can watch something”

I giggled. “ will we cuddle?”

“ anything you want my love”

I smiled and got up feeling absolutely naughty. “ coming in 30”

I brushed my teeth put on an oversized sweater and the pair of leggings that fit and left, without bothering to put on any makeup. 

Once I reached him, he was gorgeous and inviting as ever. “ yl ga63a” he scooped me up in a hug. 

“ akhaf enta eli tis2al” I hugged him harder. 

“ shl zaain mashalah”

“ don’t lie I look like a whale I gained 20 pounds”

“ mala shighil tadren enich jameela jiddan”

“ awww habebi enta” 

So we sit down and talk and cuddle , I felt okay with him, no firworks..just a familiar safety. I remember him trying with me 5 years ago when we met but I never felt anything towards him despite him being gorgeous and from a very good family, he just wasn’t it. 

“ so , who was the lucky guy?”

I laughed. “ mafi guy”

“ don’t lie you always come back after a break up” 

“ the audacity sa7?” I joked. 

“You know I don’t mind that sa7?”

I nodded

“So tell me”

“ flan alfulani” I utter his whole name. 

“Oooh mitzawij hatha! Zayon!”

“ no he wasn’t when I was with him”

“ khalas bes b3d tezawaj he’s not yours, shmalah eldrama?”

“ he broke my heart”

“ l2na it’s not meant to be, ohwa ekhtar w7da thanya o khalas lazim you move on”

“ I moved on “

“ you didnt habeebti”

“ I’m trying” My voice muffled against his chest. 

“ khalas tra bagolich elsij, ohwa o zojta both their parents are business partners o min zman mitafqeen fa entay you were never really someone he would consider , e7na n3arifhom o now you know”

“ why are you so cruel?”

“I’m not oho wilni3im feh rayal bes entay makinty el ensana eli yabi titzawjha. Entai bnt zaina min 3ayla zaina bs mu monasba lah ohwa”

Fuck you. “ fuck you”

I ended up crying that night. But I felt slightly relieved After 3 months of suffering , the pain was still there but it was dull and I felt like I could actually be around people again , and workout and eat right. 

So the first thing I do the next day is to go to the salon. I spent five hours getting my hair and nails done. The transformation was incredible, my hair looked all glossy and gorgeous, the brassy tone was gone, replaced with rich caramel and brown highlight. I hundred percent believed that Changing your hair can change your life. 
The next month was a blur of personal training and therapy sessions, I managed to get back in touch with my friends and they were there with open forgiving arms. turned out true friends will never judge you and will always be loyal to you even if you go all psycho and ghost them for weeks. 
One day I put on my old pair of jeans ( they fit, finally, I managed to lose most of the extra weight I gained) with a cropped cashmere sweater and some biker boots , I let my wavy hair down and put on the basics; red lipstick and eyeliner and went to have brunch with the girls at the avenues. 
The four of us meet at Gia , it was busier as ever since it was a saturday and everyone was here. We ordered our breakfast and people watch. 
“ zayoon tha3fty mashallah good job” my friend Munira says 
“ wai akheran ta3abt it was basically green juices and eggs!”
“ noo I can’t not have carbs”
So we talk about us and boys and diets and travel and I’m totally relaxed and chill. And I spot  this familiar gorgeous someone. Yoga guy. The table across from me with his family , parents, two women my age , sisters? Or wife ? No idea 
Our eyes locked for a moment and he smiled and I smiled back. 
* 3ash min shafich” I recieved a text   

Unsuitale 12

I once read the original fairytale ; the little mermaid , the tragic tale written by Hans Christian Andersen. Unlike the cheerful Disney version , the little mermaid doesn’t get the prince in the end , she loses her voice and dies heartbroken and sad. The story stayed with me long after I read it , it honored unrequited , pure love , the persistent love that continues quietly even as it unappreciated , unrecognized and unseen. 

People didn’t know how much I loved him , how much I gave him of my body and soul , to the world I was invisible just like the little mermaid ..people only celebrated the successful love that ends in marriage , but what about the more difficult kind of love? The noble , pure unrequited love? He betrayed me yet every cell in my body ached for him. I was a fool in love. 

I was being a total masochist in my grief , I stalked his and his wife’s social media to add salt to injury and asked friends of friends to send pictures of the happy couple. His arm was around her waist, both smiling happily to the camera. I was much softer and prettier than her yet he chose her…I wanted to shoot them and then shoot myself. 

I slept drowning in my tears and woke up to go to the loo and back to bed again. And it continued like that for the rest hundred days. I had zero energy for life he robbed that from me. 

I spent the entire day in bed sleeping and when I wasn’t sleeping I would eat my feelings away , I became so big even my pajamas didn’t fit. My mother finally confronted me and asked me to go see a therapist and hit the gym. That was the lowest point of my life. 

One day I woke up overweight and alone and I was finally sick of the vicious cycle I was in so I got up put on the only clothes that fit ( a hideous jumper and leggings) and went to see that therapist. 

I stopped for a Starbucks before my appointment and that simple old habit  cheered me slightly. I was waiting for my drink when I hear someone call my name. I turned around and there he was, the gorgeous guy from yoga. 

Shit. I was aware of my unwashed hair and everything else. “ hi!” i forced a smile. 

“ ahlan! How are you? Long time!”

“Yes “ I fake laughed “ el7emdella! And yourself?”

“ ebkhair el7emdella.. ma gemti teyen yoga ..”

“ ee wallah..been busy”

“ oh , come back 3ad khanshofich , fe class for yoga for stress elyom t3alay? I’ll go elyom”

“ I don’t think I can..” 

“ 3ayal do you mind if I take your number? Etha fe class aw shay we can go together”

What? “ o-okay” I gave him my number , aware of how different I must have looked to him. He must be feeling sorry for me thats the only reason for him giving me his number. “ enshofich 3ayal” 

I grabbed my venti mocha and headed to my car, my heart felt alive for the first time in months. 

I went to the therapist and she told me that I was depressed, hence the low energy and no shower and weight gain. The news hurt but at least I was ready to do something about it. 

In the shower I looked at my body naked and started crying. I put on so much fat in all the wrong places , the cellulite so evident around my thighs. Whatever happened to my skinny, blonde Elvira Hancock days? When he thought I resembled Michelle Pfeifer , where was that girl ? I missed her… 

Unsuitable 11

My heart began racing, I wasn’t ready to see him , I wanted to dissapear and at the same time I wanted him to see me and see how marvellous I looked. 

I sat down in a total trance, my heart ready to burst out of my chest. Shit I wasn’t ready. 

“ hii zayoon, shfech” my friend said. 

“ h-hala hala sara7t shwy”

“ shfech..”

“ he’s here..” I whispered 

“ who?”

“ Mu-“ I began when my friend’s squeel interrupted me “ HIiiiii “

We embrace and kiss while he watched in total awe. I thought. 

Ok He was totally watching us. 

So I observed the girl he was with. Black long hair, tanned, beautiful… I thought in resentment. She was tall and lovely , so unlike my pettite form and blonde hair. So unlike me. 

Her dress was tacky I hated it. He obviously thought otherwise. 

“ mino hathi?” i texted my friend. 

“ I dont know her really bes tqith, enti a7la” 

I wanted to wail. 

He laughed at something she said. His eyes were on her, but ocassionally he would steal glances at me. 

I felt so small and unwanted, I wanted to leave, go straight to bed and cry myself to sleep. But my friends wouldn’t let me. God I missed him…

Later on that night I tossed and turned , hoping for a text from him but I never received any. I cried myself to sleep dreaming about that dark haired girl and the worst case scenarios, one of him being married to her. 

The next morning I woke up to a hundred missed calls and texts. I read the first message slowly, my brain refusing to comprehend the text written “ اللهم بارك لهما و اجمع بينهما بالخير.."

I read it one, two, ten times , my forehead dripping with cold sweat, my hands shaking and my vision blurring..

Shit I was having a panic attack….

Unsuitable 10

I decided to google the cousin..his profile in linkedin appeared , he worked in finance, boring.. and a single photo from twitter and that was it. And then I googled Musaed and his parents and his sister and the whole family. I was pathetic. 

I woke up the next morning feeling rotten. Why did I do this to myself? Why was I obsessed over someone who didn’t want me? Why couldn’t I move on? I was a mess. And I couldn’t stop. At least not yet I had to torture myself first. 

I went to yoga after work. I wore a dusty rose leggings and matching set ; that complimented my skin tone (and my butt) and put my hair down (which proved to be a total fail in the end) anyway I saw him again that day and he totally ignored me in class but I could see him checking me out on the opposite mirror , he was a heterosexual guy after all, I thought..

When class was finished , I was in a bit of an emotional state , meditation got me all teary eyed so I head to the elevator, eyes blurry and he was there waiting. I enter without looking up. 

“How was class?” He asked 

“ amazing, she’s amazing”

“ sa7? “ 

I nodded , a fat tear rolling down my cheek. 

He laughed. “ tra ana I didn’t believe in yoga..kint a3ayib 3la elyoga o klish mo shakhseti aslan.. le lma sarli 7adith eb reeli o el doctor nisa7ni aro7 min yomha wana ma wagaft” 

“ oh, what kind of 7adith?”

“ my boat kind of butchered my foot..”

“ okh! Matshof sharr..” oh that baby foot of his! They must’ve given him the evil eye , I thought giggling suddenly. 

“ eshar mayeech.. betyeen class bachir?”

“ ee akeed”

“ Great, I’ll see you then enshallah”

That evening I came home feeling light and cheerful for the first time in weeks.. 

I showered and changed to meet the girls for dinner. I wore a blue silk dress that resembled Elvira Hancock’s iconic gown in scarface , if only he could see me now.. he would’ve loved it.. 

I stepped into the restaurant in my all my glorious blue silk and blonde waves and I saw him… with a woman…

Wow, I think I defied the odds of bumping into your ex looking like crap… 

Unsuitable 9

That night I ended up in the emergency room. I cried for hours and then my blood pressure dropped and I actually got physically sick. everything went blurry after that, I’m embarassed just thinking about it. I don’t recall the post break up phase all too well especially those first weeks but I  was one classy lady when it came to breakups;  I disappeared and never tried to call or text , I suffered in total silence not even mouthing a word about it to anyone. It killed me. 

And I lost tons of weight which was a good thing really. In those six weeks, I stayed in shabby PJs ordering take out every night and wallowing in self pity all the while waiting for him to text or call, I was dumb and hopeful. And I had crap nails and my roots were a disaster. One day, six weeks later  I decided to shower, put on something decent and go get my nails done. 

There was something so magical about salons .. the smell of nail laquer and a fresh blow dry and the soothing voice of the philipina nail lady who gives unrealistic love advice and lovely foot massages. 

I decided to have sushi with the girls instead of eating pizza on my couch. 

“ akheeran shifnach yl gaa63a”

“ wallah I didn’t leave my couch” I laughed

“ we know tara”

“ the whole city knows.., he left me” 

“ well thank you next! “ sarah said hotly 

“ nooo I quit dating khalas” 

“ you know what you need? Yoga!” maha suggested

“ I don’t know I’m not flexible..”

“ Zeinah honey you’re depressed.. you need to sweat! “

“ I’m not depressed” 

“ you are look at you all skinny and I’m jealous but you are!” sarah said. 

“ you are. Try a class okay? It will relax you wayid, I’ll book one for you “ 

So we talk about him a bit and then I tear up and they changed the subject and we talk about all the funny things and I laughed until I no longer feel like crying. 

So I went to that beginners yoga class. There was 3 of us girls and 3 men and I couldn’t help notice the guy in blue t shirt and shorts, he was yum and slightly familiar. The other thing I noticed was his heel it was as smooth as a baby’s.. ( He was facing me while stretching so..) 

So we finished class and I head to the elevator and I saw him there pressing on the elevator button. “ tfathilay, after you” he said 

“ thank you” 

I stand behind him in the elevator and observe. He was tall almost as tall as my gorgeous ex, his shoulders so broad and tanned and lovely , damn it who was he? 

I wouldn’t mind going to yoga everyday… 
That night I scrolled through instagram, stalking all the exes and I found him! The guy at yoga , he was Musaed’s cousin, my ex.. holly hell. 

Unsuitable 8

Okay this was a rollercoaster ride, not just this, our whole relationship , I barely had time to catch my breath , everything was moving too fast and I was already in too deep, I couldn’t save myself. 

I sat up on the bed and pretended to text when I heard him exiting the bathroom. “ ha zayon, na6lib 3asha?” 

I blushed, how could he be so cool about all of this. I was still shaking from our steamy encounter. “ ee 3adi” 

“ shno 3adi, shno mishtahya?” 

You…“ I don’t know, pizza?” 

He checked the app “ taben san ristorante? Their pizza is good” 

“ yes, okay” 

“ done, ta3alai nig3ad bl living room” 

We go sit on his posh sofa , in front of the smart tv. I settled close to his gorgeous arm, so dark and large next to my fair , small one. I put my head against his shoulder, I couldn’t help it, I needed to be closer to him. 

He kissed my head. “ I love your smell, a7isich bukhoora tamshi, wayid khaneena” 

I smiled. I better buy more of this Bukhoor. “ so shno n6ali3?”

“ want to watch Al pacino movies?” He loved Al Pacino , he told me how much he loved watching all things Al pacino growing up. 

“ scarface! Widi ashofa”

“ allaaah. Btw, Michelle Pfeiffer reminds me of you in that movie, the blonde hair, the lips ..” 

Omg really? “ noo she’s too gorgeous” 

“ don’t sell yourself short, you’re gorgeous too” 

I kissed his cheek on an impulse. “ don’t” he warned. We ate the pizza while watching Al Pacino and Michelle Pfeiffer ,it was all so dreamy. And I went home with his favorite race sweater that smelled so deliciously of him. 

I couldn’t believe my luck , the guy was too perfect and ours was one epic love story. I mean he cared about every detail about me… he even put softer tissues in his car because one time I hurt my nose with a hard tissue. 
One day He got so busy with work all week and went to his dowaniya everyday and left late , I slept without talking to him And I missed him so much because I got used to us being together all the time and We ended up having a row , he said that I was suffocating him and I was being too clingy I was shocked and I cried and hung up and he apologized with a long text asking me to forgive him and that he didn’t mean it and that he missed me more. The girls were coming to my place at around 8 that night and I was feeling too low about our fight. He called me at 7 asking me to meet him him. “ I’m in your area , I need to see you for a minute” 
I got into his car , my heart in my throat. “ here, your favorite chocolate croissant” he presented me with my favorite pain au chocolate and a coffee and a small bouquet of peonies , my favorite flowers. I teared up. “ wai a7ibik wayid wayid, walaht 3lek wayid wayid” 
“ me too o mo qasdi aza3lich , you’re my whole life zeinah , you’re my priority now..” 
After that amazing night I told the girls about him and they were all happy for me , I think. 
Something happened that night, I didn’t know what but he never called. I called him 4 times with no answer and then I slept , thinking he was busy with work or whatever. 
I woke up the next morning with a heavy heart, and a single text from him. “ when you wake up , call me we need to talk” 
My heart was pounding, this didn’t feel right, I knew something was wrong. 
“ aloo” I croaked , my voice panicky 
“ hala zeinah, this is the phone call you’ve been dreading” 
What? “ shino y3ni?” 
“ I think this is it” 
“ what do you mean?!”
“ I’m leaving for new york and I-“
“ I can come!”
“ no, I’m not ready”
“ but but you said that-“
“ I didn’t mean it Zeinah I’m sorry I’m shaking right now, I’m”
“Why?? What the fuck happened, you said you-“ 
“ I’m sorry, ana a7is eni makhnog akhthar minich I swear” 
“ you lied to me , you did all of these amazing things for what??? Was it all an act???”
“ No I swear Zeinah I love you, I haven’t known this feeling with anyone but you..”
“ but you’ve had enough”
“ no.. Zeinah our families they don’t-“
“ they don’t what?”
“ Zeinah your mother and my mother “
“ I can’t change my parents” I said hoarsely , I was getting trouble breathing 
“ baby I’m sorry”
“ you know what Musaed? Goodbye and goodluck” 
I hung up and crashed my phone against the wall , crying so hard right now, I could barely breathe. Shit, I think I’m dying