the LAST cut is the deepest(26)

25-9-2006

ge3adt min enoom, jesmy metkaser...ta3bana...whats wrong with me? ana adry mafeeny shay, im not sick...eshfeeny?

myself replied me back with a very soft sad voice: you're heart is broken.

I never thought a heart break can cause such a physical pain.

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I cried for an hour before turning on the engine and drove home. I cried while driving my way home. I cried when I saw the fourteen missed calls from Farah. Then I cried even harder when I reached home.

I took a shuddering breath; I couldn’t go on crying forever, though I felt as if I wanted to. But what was the point? I'd ruined my life. I'd hurt myself and the man I love.

After what seemed like hours of crying I decided to go to the bathroom and clean up my face. I gathered my strength and dragged myself to the bathroom.

I couldn’t help starting crying again when I looked at myself in the mirror. My face was a ruin; my eyes were red and minuscule in the puff pastry around them. My nose, especially around the nostrils was bloody red. I was ugly! I splashed my face with cold water which felt so good on my burning face; I splashed it one more time and shuddered. My eyes filled with tears when I looked at my reflection again. I knew that this breakdown wasn’t just about Terki. I cried because I hurt him and because I myself was hurt, I cried for my past, I cried for getting physically hurt by fahad, I cried for not having a decent chance to love Terki; the guy who made me feel the rollercoaster of emotions I had always longed for.

I was about to start crying again when my phone rang. I ran out of the bathroom quickly, hoping it would be Terki regretting what he had said to me, hoping that he wanted to get me back before losing me for good. I began frantically searching through my purse, the phone was still ringing. Where the hell is it? Where the hell is it?!!

When I finally found it, my face fell with disappointment and shock. It was fahad calling.

I picked up without hesitation, I just couldn’t let that bastard get away with what he had done. It was revenge time. " aloo" I began.

" jana, ma9adeg!" he said.

"shoof fahad ana engaged now okay?!!! malek 7ag etdeg 3ley o et2atheny!! Enta 9ij 7aqeer!! How can you live with yourself?! WAI3 YOU'RE DISCUSTING!! I never loved you, being with you was difficult and DISCUSTING!! I hate you!!!! I hate youuuuuu go to hell!! O dawerlek w7da min esheware3, MABY ASHOF REG3AT WAYHEK HERE FAHEM?!!!" I knew it was harsh but I really needed to let go of my anger.

Silence.

" bye Fahad" I was about to hang up when he spoke.

" jana?" he said.

"WHAT?"

" im sorry for everything, good luck o allah ewafgech, bye" and with that he hung up.

I was taken aback by his reaction, I stared at the phone for a second and then, suddenly I burst out laughing.

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I woke up the next day to the morning light edging underneath my half closed shutter. Something was different. I woke up today with something I didn’t have yesterday, I woke up today with hope.

I could see Terki while I showered, I could see him all miserable and needing me, I scrubbed my body and soul with the loofa until it ached.

I didn’t want to give up on him, not yet at least. I wouldn’t live with the fact that I didn’t try to get him back, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.

" 9aba7 el5air 7abebi:)* I sent him.

To my utter disappointment, he didn’t reply me back. But I didn’t give up, maybe he was still asleep.

I had breakfast with mother, changed my clothes watched TV with my brothers, and I still hadn’t received a single message from him.

* eshfeek ete'3ala?;p* I sent again.

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It had been like this for the past two days I sent him lots of messages yet he hadn’t replied. It was utterly frustrating, but I didn’t lose hope.

One day I decided to call him and see what he was doing. He called me after I gave him two missed calls.

" Terkii" I stretched his name in a dala3 way.

He sighed.

" jana are you okay ? me7taja shay?" he almost whispered.

" I need you Terki, I love you.."

" jana please don’t make this harder than it already is"

" wainek?!" I said ignoring what he just said to me.

" at the hospital"

" why??! Whats wrong?!" I panicked.

" NOTHING'S wrong, im just doing my regular checkups" he said.

" which hospital?!"

" jana.."

"WHICH HOSPITAL?" I interrupted him.

" hadi's hospital, now can we please hang up l2na this isn’t making anything better"

" im coming" I said and hung up on him.

I went to hadi's hospital to see him, I needed to talk to him as soon as possible, I needed to stop this madness, I will get married to him, and I will get married to him next week.

He was sitting on the patient's bed and a nurse was injecting him with a large needle which made me dizzy by looking at it alone.

" eshga3da tsaween hnyy??" he muttered angrily.

" I need to talk to you, Terki you are making a big BIG mistake , 9adegny" I struggled with words.

" jana I've made my mind, laish et7ebeen et9a3been el omoor 3ley o 3laich?? Laish ya3ny?!! E7na mu awwal nas enfel "he sounded irritated.

" MABY Terki maby!! We are meant to be together! Enta eshfeek??!!! Ya3ny ana eshbagool 7ag omy o ennas?!! Eshbagolohom!! Terki this isn’t some boyfriend-girlfriend crap, WE ARE GETTING MARRIED!!" I yelled. Terki asked the nurse who was burning holes in me by now, to leave.

He let a big sigh " jana we are NOT together anymore, 5ala9 you need to let go 7abebti, please?" he said softly.

I held his hand tightly " ma3aref o maby! Terki im tired of loosing you, I lost you once and it was unbearable! , maby, it feels like my soul being ripped out of me " I held his hand even tighter " maby"

" ro7ay el bait jana, you need some rest , roo7ay" he said. His eyes were filled with sorrow.

" maby!" I cried. " please don’t do this to me, please" I hugged him hard like a helpless child struggling to be in her father's safe embrace.

He pulled me away " 5ALA9 ROO7AY!! Mabeech jana 5ala9! Tabeen tesme3eny agool chethy ya3ny??!! MABEECH, I don’t want you, I don’t want to marry you" he yelled.

His words were like arrows penetrating my poor heart. I felt so sorry for my heart that I wanted to give it a hug and take all the pain away from it.

I ran my fingers over his beautiful face gently. at least I tried.

" goodbye Terki"

It started in a hospital and ended in a hospital.