I wore many masks that I forgot which one's my real face(27)

two years later(2008)

My London's apartment was undeniably small, but a delightful haven. I had been lucky to find it; it was on 7 George Street, five minutes away from Selfridges and Bond Street, A very desirable location. The apartment was on the second floor and consisted on a large room, a small bathroom and smaller kitchen behind it and then comes the cozy bedroom. Everyone thought that I moved here about two years ago to get my masters degree, but it wasn’t like that. I needed to be away from Kuwait because everything reminded me of him. even Farah which was no longer my best friend. At first we messaged and talked on msn sometimes but it stopped a few months ago. She was sick of trying and I was sick of pretending.

You're probably wondering what happened after I left Terki in that hospital. Well, after I left that hospital I went home right away. Surprisingly, I didn’t shed a single tear, not ONE tear. I was emotionally numb; I didn’t feel anything to the point that I wished my heart would ache so I could feel human again.

As soon as I reached home I sat on the corner sofa in the living room before my mother. She frowned when she saw my face. "jana? Eshfeech?" she said.

" maby atzawaj Terki, I left him" I told her and walked to my room.

When I entered my room, my wedding dress was hanging out on the closet's door. I brought a mini scissor from my manicure kit and stared at the dress for a while. "im sorry" I ran my fingers over it gently and then I began cutting it off like crazy.

After ten minutes when I saw my six thousand kd wedding dress turned into tiny pieces of fabrics, I sobbed like a baby.

At night my phone beeped. * Sometimes I have to be cruel for the right and wrong reasons. It's a burden only I will live with* Terki.

I saw my mother crying twice that year, and I knew that she knew that I wasn’t the one who ended it with him. She saw me as a divorced woman and it killed her. I didn’t know what hurt more the fact that I was practically divorced or that my mother was grieving.

I don’t remember my life back then, it was blurry. I remember a few things though; being pathetic, ignoring the outside world, living on the sofa and most importantly, I remember getting gray hairs.

One day I opened my eyes. I had one of those moments of waking dislocation. Where was I? I wondered. It wasn’t my bedroom's ceiling. Then I turned my head and saw the big plasma TV of the small living room. I must've slept while I was watching that series, I thought. Suddenly without even thinking of it I got up with the blanket wrapped around me, and walked to my mother's room.

" mama, bakkamel derasty"

"9ij?" her face lit up " ofcourse! Wain tabeen? Bil ba7rain? Nafs farah?"

" no mama, I thought London actually, and since when Farah betkamil bil ba7rain?!"

" 5altich muneera galatly, tgool she'll quit her job at dewan el mu7asaba o betkamil derasat'ha"

"oh" I really missed my sister Farah, who thought we would lost our friendship at the age of twenty three.

After two months I was ready to leave. Everyone came to say goodbye to me, Farah's included.

" deeray balich 3la ro7ech o lateg6e3en please" she said.

"You too" I hugged her.

When we pulled away we had tears in our eyes but we pretended that we didn’t cry. I was going to miss her terribly but I needed this so much. I needed to be away from it all.

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london

When I first moved to London, I felt totally miserable, I hated my apartment, I hated my college and I hated loneliness. I was alone, I didn’t have any friends and I needed to erase everything about him from my life.

When I walked into Selfridges for the first time and smelled APREGE LANVIN; his scent in the air, I collapsed. It was very embarrassing but I couldn’t help it, I sat on a chair at fendi's store and wept. Everyone was looking at me. And then someone came and touched my shoulder "lo sema7tay? Entay kuwaitia?" a soft female's voice said.

I looked up and saw her familiar face. Her beautiful face was tanner that before, her short blonde hair was longer. She was simply beautiful. " jana? 9a7?!" she said.

" yes deema" I sniffed. " hi"

"are you okay?!" she looked concerned.

" not really" I smiled weakly.

Then she helped me to stand up and took me to one of the Cafés upstairs . " I've heard about your um..breakup with Terki , im really sorry " she said.

" you don’t have to be sorry, it was along time ago" I cleaned my nose.

" he's always like that" she said.

" can we please not um talk about him?!"

"sure, sure im sorry" she said and she looked like she meant it.

we talked alot, and I have to admit I really had fun with her. she lived here and she gave me her number and said that I could call her anytime. but I never did.

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25th of july-2007 was the first time I let him in my life again. It was my twenty-four birthday. I was watching TV on bed, when I heard my doorbell's ringing. I was wearing a tiny agent provocateur night dress, my bones were sticking out beautifully; I had lost tones of weight. I got up from bed, smoothed my fringe with my fingers and my new black hair and opened the door.